HELLO I AM TAN ZHILING :)

2012-02-02T17:17:00.000+08:00

it's hard to tell everyone how important they are in my life. i'm just not good enough at words.

i remember this slip of paper that this random street artist back in rome passed to us. it wrote the same statement in many different languages, and the rough gist of what he tried to tell us was:

you wouldn't be wrong if you'd just be yourself.

sometimes i just want to immerse in my own internally-generated calm and happiness, and hope that it spreads positively to the people around me.

i can feel the work mounting up and up, slowly ascending to the climax. and i love it as much as it makes me tired and stressed out. i need this kind of external aggravations to make me feel there's a purpose to life =)

2012-01-30T20:50:00.002+08:00

i think it is really awesome to interact with many different people in life and realize how each of them has their own virtues and strengths which make them shine so brightly. one giant learning point, for example, that i've picked up from my ex-roomies sharon tan and peak siah is to put effort into relationships that you wish to cherish.

there were many a times when i was so wrung out from rushing here and there that i contemplated calling everything off and just declaring a cut-off-from-the-world day for myself. there were also several moments when i wished nothing than to scream out loud in frustration when my parents started to plague me with question after standard question the moment i stepped foot in the house, tired out from the day's activities.

but while i would do that in the past, i always think twice now. holding in my mind how a little effort can go a long way and reap unexpected reward. it is indeed nice to have friends around you whom you can share every single highlight in your life. it is nice too, to have a family and a home to return to at the end of the day, and do nothing other than watching tv together in the room, and occasionally chatting about some amusing discovery.

previously a large part of my life would have been devoted to cca and school, but the obligation is now gone. or rather, it isn't really the highest priority in life anymore. while the path ahead is filled with uncertainty and more demanding tasks to come, i am grateful that at least i won't be going through all these alone. thank you all the awesomes in my life =)

2012-01-26T17:14:00.003+08:00

depressed =( welcome back to nbs life.

2012-01-24T00:16:00.003+08:00

sometimes you can't help regretting your past actions and how they could have such long-lasting effects on your life. it was a bit (ok, more than a bit) saddening when you were sitting alone in the middle of your living room and your relatives were at the side having the time of their lives gambling and talking. funny how they tried to avoid noticing your presence when you used to love playing with them. how it was so awkward then when in the past, having them over was like the highlight of your life.

even as i sat there trying my best to act like nothing's wrong but pouring tons of self-pity on myself, of course i had to rationalize that ultimately, i reaped what i sowed. if i hadn't put in effort to maintain relationships why would i expect them to still exist?

i hate seeing kids who are extremely spoilt because it reminds me of myself. it's almost like seeing myself in the raw ugly form, from an outsider's perspective, and discovering just how hateful my behaviour must have been last time. parenting is difficult, and i can see how many parents in singapore commit the mistake which they are too blinded by unconditional love to ever realize.

giving in to your child no matter how unruly he is, is not a measure of how much you love him. when he doesn't realize what is wrong, he is going to climb over your head, and there will be no one you can blame but yourself. but that would be the least of your worry since parents, after all, are supposed to be forever forgiving towards their kids.

however i wonder whether any of those parents, who walk down the streets with their kids happily slapping their heads and making ugly faces at them, know for a fact that their forbearance is only going to ruin their kids' future as well. they are not going to find anything wrong with showing disrespect towards elders. they are not going to find anything wrong with being angry and throwing tantrums at anybody who's not willing to give in to them. they are not going to find anything wrong with dumping burdens and liabilities e.g. an aging/dying you, into the hands of some random person when you weigh too much on their lives.

i know this for a fact because after all, i'm merely an evolved form of those kids and i am sucking my sore thumb miserably now. during previous cnys, i had always demanded the easy way out, keeping to myself or even making 'disappearing acts' in the midst of cny. i had not enjoyed what used to be the happiest holiday of my childhood because i found it tiring and superficial to entertain relatives (probably my introverted personality at fault here haha). and i thought it was ok.

but now when i have the heart to go back, i find that i have closed and locked the door behind myself.

saying all these, i'm not trying to be pessimistic and i'm not trying to justify the act of throwing in the white flag. i'm saying these because i need to have these thoughts down to remind myself and also whoever chances upon this blog post (of course, after you have the stamina to dive through the chunks and chunks of words here.)

just now i was watching the movie ip man 2 on tv, and as usual with tan zhi ling, movies always made me a lil thoughtful at the end, and i would be easily influenced by the movie's content. not that i wanna learn kungfu now (although it seems tempting haha) but there are always learning points to pick out from stories. and here are some that i wanna share =)

number one, and probably a more superficial one for me =P, i think that it is really good to keep oneself physically fit. not for vanity's sake, but rather for health's sake and for life's sake. being fit and agile helps you go a long way. it gives you the stamina and the physical and mental tolerance to brave through the obstacles in life. i remember sharon and mel commenting before that i am very hardy, and that's certainly one strength that i'm quite proud of. in fact it is something like a mini life slogan for me, that i can fall down countless times but i must be able to pick myself up again without fail after each fall. keeping myself free from illnesses, giving myself adequate rest will ensure that i am able to enjoy each day rather than feeling as if i have to force myself through the activities that life arranges for me.

back from exchange, it is also common for us proud little exchange kids to compare between the elderly in europe and back in singapore. and while statistically we each have similarly long life expectancies, the disparity is obvious in reality. the old people in sweden are physically fit and they eat healthily and engage in healthy activities. the old here, sadly, are plagued with physical ailments, and often ingest much more unhealthy food. in fact, singaporean elderly appear old and grumpy and propped up by either machines or walking sticks, and i really hope that i don't end up having to depend on technology to continue my life fifty years down the road. so, time to get your blood pumping and do some good old exercise to build up your physique =)

number two is also something that tan zhi ling places much emphasis on, and that is respect and dignity. the hero of the movie said at the end of the match that it's not about showing how one is better than the other. there might be differences in terms of social status, but that does not mean that one is less deserving of respect than another. indeed, i will personally make sure that respect underlies all my actions and decisions in life. many things we do, we do to outwin one another, because of the 'high' factor of earning the wows and the praises from people around. nothing wrong with that, just as long as we make sure that we continue to give due respect to those around us. respect one another's differences, identify their strengths and praise them, recognize their weaknesses and help them eliminate them.

haha i can continue going on and on when i get started on this topic, and at the end of the day i will still have loads more to add on. damnnn i must learn the art of being concise, and stop rambling on like an old woman going in circles.

anyway, some lessons learnt. and time to stop procrastinating =D

2012-01-20T12:08:00.000+08:00

it's been very long (by tzl standards) since i'd last updated this blog. life has been rushing past as usual, no surprises there considering that it's ntu. blink and pause for a moment, and you'll realize that the world has gone ahead without you, and you need to step up the accelerator in order to catch up with just the laggers.

a day or two ago i encountered another of my unexplainable miserable fits. which came so naturally and unexpectedly it was alarming. after the episode was over i understood one thing - that fundamentally i might have changed, but it definitely wasn't a 100% change.

i like to talk about how exchange has transformed me, so much so that it gave me the illusion that i was befitted with an immunity shield against any forms of emotional breakdown. maybe the beautiful track record overseas gave me the confidence: i had my down moments but there wasn't any drastic fluctuations that caused me to drown in tears for a few hours before i collapsed and entered into semi-coma for the night.

that happened. i felt very out of breath all of a sudden. my mind was torn between wanting to re-enter the happy new world that i had built up for my 'new' life, and wanting to shut the doors and hide from everyone forever and ever.

now thinking back about it, i realize it was probably all self-imposed social pressure. in an attempt to please all and fulfil all my promises i got stranded in a situation which could only be solved had i torn myself into several pieces. true that the introvert is slowly learning to embrace the world and experience the many different aspects of joy in life, but the introvert needs her rest and reprieve from the world as well.

in my eagerness to change and improve i have totally neglected this. lesson learnt, and now i'm happily back to life =)

2012-01-13T00:34:00.002+08:00

it's officially the end of the first week of school for me. and i had thoroughly enjoyed it. the moment i stepped foot in singapore my sleeping time had been slated by half. the distant zombie mode has once again become an integral part of me, no thanks to the fast-paced ntu life even in the first few days.

yet i have been so happy just to re-unite with old friends. it simply warms my heart to see them again and to chat about anything under the sun. and my haircut has been a great aid when the introvert in me clamours to get some rest. it is a good disguise for me to walk past unnoticed by some whom i'll rather not grab the attention of. downside was that many close friends also brushed past me on several occasions without any signs of recognition on their faces haha.

ever since coming back i found myself enjoying once again the simple pleasures in life. drinking my beloved hazelnut bubbletea several times within a mere week; spamming all sorts of chilli sauces in my food; running and running and running my heart out early in the morning when the sun hasn't even risen.

returning to ntu also means regaining some personal time and space since it is hardly possible to coordinate the different schedules of everyone. most of the time i found myself too occupied by my own timeline and schedules to reflect much, but i did manage to squeeze in some time for reflection. in fact there are things that keep popping up in my mind during this new phase of life. wondering, questioning. as if it is fighting to revive my formal self which is slowly being crushed out of my life.

2012-01-08T01:05:00.001+08:00

back in singapore.

the experience wasn't as dramatic as i would have imagined. in fact, i realized that i reverted almost immediately back to the typical singaporean lifestyle. wearing as little as possible while not feeling like i'm parading naked in front of everyone else. tapping my ezlink at the card readers of sbs buses and mrt trains. waking up in the wee hours of the morning to chomp on my favourite cereals and going down to jog for a long long long time after that. tasting the spicy oily unhealthy local delicacies.

but unlike before, i find myself at peace with the world. exchange had changed me, and now i look at the familiar sights and sounds with a different mind. i found myself looking at kids in school uniforms and pitying them for the limited horizons in their lives. i spammed my smiles at everyone. i spoke too fluently in english while my conversational chinese became super loussyyyy. and many many more.

what a good feeling. =) i hope it would last =)

2011-12-19T00:24:00.003+08:00

i can feel the peak in my blood glucose level declining steadily, as my body works hard to convert all those sugar from the ice cream and the brownies into insulin. true that everytime i eat things that people would like to term as 'sinful', i will feel uneasy and fidgety after that. but while i used to 'punish' myself last time for 'sinning', nowadays i have learnt to shun away from such thoughts.

perhaps it is part of the process of growing up and seeing the world. after going through all sorts of experiences, sometimes you realize that there are so many things that are more important than keeping your weight in check. which, as a matter of fact, is sometimes pretty unnecessary, considering the fact that i am of a very healthy size right now. maybe when i can see visible signs that this 'weight-gain' process is visibly going way beyond successful will i start to rectify the problem again. but for now, i shall make sure that i supplement myself with the energy needed for the last trip before coming back to home sweet home =)

speaking of which, yes, the time to leave this cute little swedish town is finally coming. already, most of my stuff are packed and tomorrow will be my final day in jönköping. impossible as it is to believe, this place has subtly become an awesome substitute of a home for me, and i believe i will miss the awesome swedes here. really, nowhere else can you find such warm, friendly and helpful people with their unexplainable love for cinnamon buns, meatballs, lingonberry and gingerbread.

when it is this close to the day i'll finally come back to singapore, i find myself delving into a deeper level of reflection. slowly reverting back to my 'thoughtful' self one would say, as if preparing to adapt to the life i had back then.

sometimes i amaze myself by how much i can sacrifice dignity at the expense of cherishing relationships. there have always been moments when i'll rather step aside and give way when there is a clash of opinions or a dispute of facts, even though i might be right at the end of it all. because i always manage to tell myself there is really no need to persist even if you are right, if it destroys the other parties' beliefs and opinions.

of course when i have a quiet time alone i'll think again whether my behaviour is really too extreme for my own good. the plus point is that of course people feel good and at ease around me. the minus point is that at critical times i find my opinions and ideas dismissed or disputed all too easily because i wasn't perceived as someone who would provide anything substantial.

at times like these, any dumb fool will feel sad and unappreciated, no doubt. but i comfort myself by going back to this argument that there are more important things in life than grief at being overlooked. to me, the people around me would be more important than those little moments of disagreement.

haha, tan zhi ling you dove much. this little dove is gonna go back to singapore soon, and let's hope that this little dove will survive and remain happy and blessed.

2011-12-14T03:24:00.002+08:00

sometimes it sucks to know that you're a born introvert, and that your personality comes from something biological. that you have to literally put in more energy and force yourself to step out of the comfort zone in order to 'go out and have fun' like your extroverted counterparts. that at the end of the day, you'll be more drained than anyone else. i used to attribute it to personal weakness, and biological factors never came into my consideration.

and knowing this doesn't serve as any form of enlightenment. although the source of this information didn't condemn introverts and even valued them highly. at least the writer did admit that introverts are highly discriminated against by many with the biased perception that they are antisocial weaklings.

i seem pretty much convinced that the biased perception is the truth, actually. haha.

2011-12-13T16:54:00.001+08:00

heard some bad news from home, and i realized suddenly that these mere few weeks might not be as fast as it seems. although i don't feel particularly disturbed because i know that this battle has been fought for long and it is time for some rest, i do wish that i can be there before he can't see me no more.

2011-12-12T09:35:00.001+08:00

不知不觉已经十二月了。真的只剩一个礼拜，就得收拾东西离开这里了。我真的好感激这个地方在这几个月来，给远离家园的我，过得那么充实。

可是心里还是依然盼望着重返家园。玩够了，勇敢过了，是时候骄傲地回来了。=)

2011-12-08T08:55:00.001+08:00

tomorrow would be the first of my final 2 papers for this semester. swedish 2. been mugging quite hard for it (for the fact that it would only be a 3 AU UE and gauging the level of effort from an exchange student's point of view haha) and i can't wait for my 'partial liberation' after 5 pm tomorrow.

there was a talk by the international exchange coordinator in jibs today, which i almost didn't attend but once again was glad i did. the lady's name was leticia, and she said something which left quite a big impact on me. i remembered hearing her say the exact same thing during the welcome week. but somehow only after i had personally gone through nearly the entire experience could i fully agree with her.

indeed, 'a journey abroad is a journey into yourself'.

from this mere few months alone, i had learnt countless valuable lessons (mostly out of the school premises haha). i believe there is a change in me, a positive one. i find myself taking in small regular doses of happiness and joy every single day. it used to be so impossible, to be contented with what i have, that sometimes i still find myself in a state of disbelief.

but of course, another famous saying goes, 'a leopard never changes its spots'. having one hell of a memory for the past - something which up till now i couldn't ascertain is good or bad - i still find myself raking up memories. but unlike before, i don't look back with regret and resentment, but instead with a smile.

yet life is never perfect, and even in this dreamy daze, i find myself facing challenges at times. if there's one thing i couldn't shake off, it'll be the tiny little worries that i like to formulate to 'occupy' myself. all the little 'what ifs' whenever i look at the uncertain future. despite rationalizing with myself that almost 90% of the 'what ifs' are really pure nonsense, i couldn't help letting them permeate my mind.

it's like trying to brush off an onslaught of ants - the front few may falter in their steps but they keep coming, keep moving forward to reinforce their comrades. it's such that, if i am not keen enough in your defence, the next moment i'll find myself overwhelmed by the ants crawling all over me.

and it can get a little frustrating at times, when i realize i can hardly wrench myself free from all these nagging thoughts on a permanent basis. one worry down, another one up -- and each time i have to tell myself to be strong, both mentally and physically, so as not to succumb to old fears.

i have to always remind myself very firmly, to do the thing that is right. not to act against my conscience or my morals. to stop myself from doing absurd things or thinking senseless thoughts.

everytime i successfully managed to overcome an obstacle, i consciously praised myself in my mind. everytime i'm on the verge of doing something 'absurd', the rational voice in my mind has to fight so very hard in my head in order to convince me that i should not be behaving this way.

it makes me feel out of sorts somehow. knowing that i have to put in effort to feel the happiness, rather than let it flow naturally into me. and even now i wonder whether i'm not just being dumb, arguing round and round on this little issue. kind of exemplify the situation, isn't it? haha.

but i guess, this is an improvement. i am improving, and i am sure this is just the initial rocky stages of change which prompt many to give up. if i have no other strengths then at least i can count myself on my determination. and yes, i am determined to pursue my happiness in life, no matter how intimidating still the path seems. i can never appreciate the things i have enough, but the best thing i can do for now is to give thanks to the world.

ok weird long post when it's late into the night haha. shall go and get some sleep already =) good night world =D

2011-12-05T06:11:00.001+08:00

the fyp snow angel from kiruna =)

it used to be totally against tan zhi ling's nature to say anything like this but my 21st birthday has got to be the best birthday spent ever.

nope, i didn't manage to have fancy birthday parties with all my friends and family beside me, singing happy birthday around a huge birthday cake. i didn't even look anything close to presentable. but i couldn't have asked for a better birthday than one well-spent outside my comfort zone, to explore a part of the world i thought i would never see.

true that many others had probably stepped the path that i took, and it probably didn't take my predecessors half the amount of effort that i took. but time has taught me to be satisfied with what i have, and to appreciate all that is given to me.

i got to see and touch snow, in a place where zero degrees celsius was considered 'summer temperature' for the locals. i got to feel the light snow flakes falling down from the sky.

i got to sit on a dog sleigh pulled by 8 surprisingly tame and docile snow dogs. got to sit in a tent in the middle of nature with a small little fire in the middle, sipping hot salmon soup and tea, munching on delicious pepparkakor and sandwich while waiting for the northern lights to appear. i got to see the faint hues of green in a sky lit up with many bright stars and even spotted shooting stars.

i got to stay in a small cosy log cabin and experienced the harsh winds. experienced how the face could actually turn numb in a matter of seconds, how the fingers and toes suffered from the biting cold.

i got to overcome my fear and ride the snow mobile (even though it was really just going round and round the smooth surface of the lake). got to make snow angels on the ground and shape the snow angel above.

i got to build a small fire using our own firewood and matchsticks to warm up our own little sauna.

i got to taste reindeer meat and also entered the world-renowned interiors of the ice hotel. seeing the different rooms filled with creative ice sculptures and the beds covered with reindeer skins.

but of course i didn't do all these alone. indeed i couldn't have done all these alone, but instead with my 2 awesome fyp mates. true that there were loads and loads of tests, both physical and mental, that stretched us to the limits, but i was so happy that we managed to overcome everything together and enjoy the trip genuinely. indeed all the many little things that might seem so minor warmed my heart greatly, and made me so appreciative of life as it was.

there were moments which shook me awake, made me realize that there were more important things in life than the small little worries that used to plague me so. really, i would wish for nothing more than happiness, happiness and a world free of worries, for everyone around me. that in itself will be such a great gift to me =)

the kiruna trip, the delicious pepparkakor muffin that mel and sharon secretly bought for me, the awesome oreo cheesecake that da jie baked for me, the many well wishes and messages that i received from my loved ones =) nothing could have been more awesome than that =)

2011-11-27T08:10:00.001+08:00

sometimes in life, one has to pause and reflect.

i am 'guilty' of not doing any deep self-reflection for a long long long time. but the 'guilt' didn't really come, as a matter of fact. because previously, thinking too much had always caused me to dive into a well of misery. i thought i had pondered a lot about the abstract aspects of life, i thought i had understood exactly how the mechanisms in society worked, but really, what were the gains from those long hours of staring into space and having no one but yourself to talk to?

i had only a heavily skewed perspective of reality. and a very mundane life.

of course me being me, i dare not say that i have changed, much less changed for the better. indeed i find myself succumbing, being not-so-headstrong, losing the hardy shell that i had painfully crafted around myself. my past self could have scorned at who i am today, for being so weak, so dependent on others. for being a dead-ass liability.

but i find that past self very distant already. the tan zhi ling today still harbours a whole set of vulnerabilities, weaknesses and fears, but i no longer torment my mind with self-inflicted misery. or at least not yet, so far. probably because there aren't as many ups and downs in the life over here for me to feel the need to. my mind would like me to think of that still, rather than to believe that maybe somewhere deep down, tan zhi ling is no longer all closed up and cold.

still. i have a long way to go. i still bother myself with miniscule fears that might not make sense to other people. the insecurity has decreased tremendously but there is always this basal amount left. and at moments like these, i have to rationalize with myself, just what does happiness mean to people in general?

happiness. it can be an awesome-looking homemade pizza with loads of grated cheese for dinner. it can be watching drama online after completing a few items on the agenda.

it can be the tempting aromas from the oven when your peanut butter muffins or brownies were baking. it can be the smiles and the encouragements from those who received your baked goods and enjoyed them.

it can be seeing your loved ones in front of you and knowing that they are still somewhere out there safe and sound. it can be knowing that you have really awesome friends around you, who will be there with you no matter how much of a liability you have been.

it can be forcing yourself out of your comfort zone slowly but steadily. it can be accepting the fact that you might not enjoy an experience as much as others had, but at least you made yourself do something that would not result in regret for the rest of your life.

it can be anything. as long as you will yourself to be contented. and to appreciate the things you have. and also to know that you are not the best, but you are willing to learn and try.

2011-11-24T08:29:00.001+08:00

awesome much =)

i'll fight on with a genuine big smile on my face =)

2011-11-22T07:12:00.001+08:00

many times in life, things always turned out differently from what i'd previously thought. it had even come to a point whereby i would deliberately expect the worst, so that whenever i had to go through something possibly dreadful, it would turn out to be not as bad as i thought.

quite a funny mindset, but it has never failed me time and again. but then now i realize that it is really a rather cowardly way of thinking. while it might be widely advocated to always prepare oneself against the worst-case scenario, it has caused me to kill many brain cells just to suppress the worry.

maybe it's time i be brave and embrace things more positively. maybe it's time that my heart should harbour hope rather than be drowned in dread all the time. even if that means that things will probably not go my way.

i begin to realize how life can be entrapped within routines. and tan zhi ling proudly proclaims herself as a professional routine-maker - nobody could establish a routine as awesomely and quickly as i could. and it used to be super duper upsetting for me, when my routines were broken.

time to be brave, girl. time to be very very brave. =)

2011-11-12T22:56:00.001+08:00

yesterday night i remember being very agitated over something which might seem very trivial to others. in fact, the anger that arose from within was extremely absurd to begin with. and it struck me, all of a sudden, that i had been foolish for too long.

i read before that people who have been through depression, anorexia, whatever nonsensical disorders possibly imagined, are very prone to relapse even after they have completely recovered. i often question that because i couldn't possibly imagine how one could 'unlearn' a tough lesson. it seems pretty impossible to me how anyone would wanna relive a painful memory when one has suffered burns and learnt to avoid the fire thereafter.

but i guess i could never underestimate how poisonous the social environment can get. indeed, i should have realized, since the entire process of growing up is never really dissociated from social influences. how others around you behave can leave such a deep deep impact upon you, so subtly, that it's scary.

i find myself falling into the trap already. and it took me that moment of anger, to finally realize that i did not want to continue being enslaved. it is an infection, and the last thing i want to do is to be a contagion and let things spread and do even more damage than it has already done.

i know it's gonna be one hell of a difficult journey. already i've found myself battling with my mind very ferociously, countless times, just to do something which should come naturally and logically to anyone else. and i'm sure even as i set my mind to escape this mess, there is only that much motivation from that resolution. what i would need is constant perseverance, what i have to do is to continue rationalizing with myself.

i have to tell myself that life is too short, too too short to ill-treat myself. too short, to waste it on matters which would only upset me or make things difficult for me. i am still young, but my youth will not be forever. i will fight. it won't be easy, i will fail many times still for sure, but i will fight.

2011-11-10T08:24:00.003+08:00

failed. utterly. screwed.

2011-11-07T06:41:00.000+08:00

我相信，会没事的。一切都会过去，会没事的。真的不会有事的。

2011-11-05T07:36:00.002+08:00

i vividly remember myself saying this before:

'the environment that we are in is forever changing. people come, people go, and no one can really expect that things around us will always stay constant.'

i guess any sensible adult would never doubt that statement. the process of growing up teaches us all that we need to learn behind that. memories, however beautiful, could only be memories.

i used to think this was something really sad. how relationships between people could change just like that. how people who were once so significant in your life could just disappear, either gradually or abruptly. how people whom you sincerely thought you would never ever cross paths with, became such an important part of your life.

there isn't a thing called forever; the only constant is change. how cliched, how true.

but right now, i find myself coming to terms with the logic. and things don't look as depressing as i once thought. like what my most awesome bäckadal roomie sharon had said before, a lot of things depend on your personal efforts. interpersonal relationships, the way they turn out - there's nothing magical about them actually, because how something stays in your life is really dependent on how much you value it.

i used to screw myself silly weaving up dark thoughts. over-speculating, cooking up something drastic out of an imaginary frown. i used to 'reflect' on my life a lot a lot, but it's more like thinking of how awful i was, and how awful life had been. i used to scorn at encouragement and positivity. so blinded by cynicism that i refused to appreciate what it offered me.

right now, i couldn't say enough, how drastically my mindset has changed. true that at points in time, i lapse back into old habits, i succumb to certain weaknesses. but i could feel myself taking the small steps out of my comfort zone. i see myself doing things that i used to decline without hesitation in the past. and every time i battle my way through, i realize that it wasn't really a hard battle after all.

and i even wonder why it would be a 'battle' in the first place, if the outcome is more often than not extremely rewarding.

surprising it took me quite a while to find this, 'goped' this picture from steven's facebook haha. foot 2011. this is an annual must-take photo before the camp leaves panti campsite. so happy, so filled with colours, although truth be told, i was hardly happy throughout this whole event.

i guess it's easy to look back and comment about how you might have change things. it would be unfair to my past self then to say that how i behaved was wrong. but i do believe that the experience could've been more rewarding, had i adopted a positive mindset, instead of being entrapped within a cynical one.

yup, indeed, we should learn to appreciate what we have =)

2011-11-01T23:26:00.000+08:00

i've been rather harsh upon myself these few days. might be the drastic contrast in weather (sun setting at past 4 pm is one depressing phenomenon), might be the time of the month. or it might not be anything in particular other than tan zhi ling falling into her usual routine of self-degradation.

and so much so that it sucks, it's always so difficult to extricate myself from this mess. it's like kids eating sticky sweets, it's almost impossible for them not to have the sticky sugary stuff smeared all over their faces and hands. anywhere but the mouth.

i'm a veteran at finding myself in this kind of 'sticky' situation. but it seems like the wealth of experience hasn't really taught me how to handle my emotions well. everytime i step into the quicksand i find myself floundering helplessly in despair. getting myself all beaten up and exhausted from battling against all the illogical fears and worries that threaten to drown my soul.

every single time i have to do it the long and tedious way. for me, there isn't ever a 'prevention' but only a 'cure' - and that would be to first delude the world that i am fine. and then afterwards delusion will slowly transform into reality. how tiring it is, when i look upon my fall vulnerably, knowing that i would have to crash hard first before i could slowly pick myself up step by step later on.

but.

that shall not stop me from doing that.

ever.

i'm determined to make sure that misery, self-pity, unfounded sorrows and grievances - they can only capture me for the shortest possible time ever. it sucks to see yourself like a lump of screwed-up mess in life, but it will suck even more to know that you allow yourself to continue like that.

as i've said before, i have the greatest fortune in life to be surrounded by many many people who have been of much significance in my life. and the least i could repay them is to be sure that i'm not a lousy glop of rotten-ness to have around. even though my mind might tell me otherwise, i will put in my utmost to revert back to positivity.

was googling ndp songs with sharon and da jie a few days back, and it brought back loads of nostalgic memories. think singaporeans who are abroad for really long will really feel a bit emotional when they listen to ndp songs. this song especially reminds me of the times when i was in primary school, getting super excited about ndp celebration (because it also meant only half a day in school). memorizing and singing the ndp song with so much pride, because i thought anyone who could sing that was super cool ;)

those were the days man =)

and it's things like these that make me look forward sooo much to going back to my homeland again =) where i belong. although now i must say that, it's already november. time here is really running short, and i shall make sure i treasure every single bit of experience here as much as i can. no matter pleasant or unpleasant, it will be a part of my memories which i will definitely relish.

加油陈芷苓！你行的！=D

2011-10-30T20:55:00.002+08:00

one more new item to add in to my exchange experience: daylight saving time. apparently now we're 7 hours, instead of 6, behind singapore already. amused ttm, but was a bit confused this morning when i woke up. apparently my phone knew how to auto-adjust the time, so nokia has once again gained back its reputation as a smartphone. haha.

procrastinating before clearing my swedish 2 homework. seriously the work never seems to end. haha. i just feel like nua-ing the day away though. hai but nvm, shall FOCUS on finishing EVERYTHING so that i'll have free time for my own stuff already =D

been oogling at awesome photos and recipes from this website since millions of years ago. www.smittenkitchen.com. got this sudden yearning to bake again after not touching the oven at home for more than 2 years already. really have to admit that my father dotes on his daughter way too much. i was just asking whether i could get an oven and he immediately agreed to go with me to buy one from ntuc fairprice the very next day.

i shall not let the oven sit idle at home much longer. haha. well, i hope.

okkk 100% concentration for now =D

2011-10-29T06:36:00.002+08:00

it feels good to have a tgif moment right now. =)

i guess the sudden surge in workload over the past few days had left its mark on me subconsciously. how amazingly easy it was for tan zhi ling to succumb to what i believe was stress.

thank goodness though, for the moment of enlightenment while running on the treadmill this morning (yes the weather has finally turned too cold for me to continue running outside). days in sweden have become more 'finite' than before, and i believe very soon i'll find myself busy packing my luggage and getting all ready for home.

with the limited time, it hardly does me any justice to waste any moments away worrying and panicking about mundane stuff like homework and assignments. true that we still need to at least perform satisfactorily to account for our grades, but becoming all too miserable because of the insurmountable workload is too nonsensical.

and it was scary, that recently, voices of the past have come back to haunt me. no doubt i am worried and trying as hard as i can to chase them away. i definitely must not succumb, no matter how justifiable and reasonable things might sound. no wayyyy, i had promised myself away from this before, no way am i gonna fall back into the same trap.

2011-10-26T08:22:00.002+08:00

somehow, today just wasn't the perfect day for me. it's been long since i felt like a loser. but i did. thinking about my behaviour, thinking of how i have tried to change, i wonder whether it's for the better or for the worst, and i wonder whether i've lost myself in the process.

it's 2.13 am (swedish time) already, and i'm still up, trying to clear the items off my agenda list one at a painfully slow time. but i guess it's time for me to bury myself in my diary for the night, and thereafter sleep the dark hours away.

hopefully i wake up tomorrow forgetting the horrible thoughts that haunted me for a large part of today. the thoughts that, in striving hard to enjoy every moment of my life, i had just gained a few more ugly scars. and that the old wounds lingered still beneath my armoured shelf, ready to ignite in pain.

argh. nonsense. tan zhi ling is screwing up her mind unnecessarily again.

apple crumble cheesecake. how i wish i can savour this awesomeness one day. wayyy too deprived of goodies here.

2011-10-24T06:42:00.000+08:00

yayy, last paper of a1 cleared finally, although a1 hasn't exactly come to a clean end. because of some awesome prof who 'bumped' into us outside the exam venue and 'happened to' tell us that our project report needed some more editing before he would give us the grade. like totally awesome man, break the news accidentally on the last day of exam.

but heckkk man. at least for now, i shall declare a 'state of liberation'. or at least, as much of a liberation as i could award myself, considering the fact that my first lesson of a2 - swedish 2 - starts in less than 24 hours' time. meh. haha. do now and regret later.

but speaking of regrets. i guess i have repeated this so often that people would be sick of hearing, but making the decision to go on exchange has been one huge step that i am very glad i took. note that i didn't say i haven't regretted, because of course, the initial hurdle was always one fraught with regretful thoughts. especially with the many many things to adapt to in this wholly new and different environment. one hell of a draining process, but it was always the toughest moment that grilled us into who we are today.

and i chanced upon an old friend's blog just now. and something he said struck me pretty deeply.

'never wish for the thing that you're going through to be over and done with in your life. because that's the only one wish that will certainly be granted upon you.'

i had always been one irritating ass to complain about the life i'd never have. when life was too hectic i groaned about the heavy workload. when the pace slowed down to a standstill i would long for work to drop from the sky. and the list goes on. haha.

in any case as a2 becomes so scarily near it again awakes in me the old (and often unfounded) worries. like how the world becomes a forbidding and threatening place in the mind when it is flooded with uncertainties. i have said before that i'm somebody who cannot bear uncertainties in life - it upsets me greatly, sometimes to the extent of immobilisation.

i guess really bad but distant memories had a part to play for this 'natural mechanism' that gets activated within tan zhi ling at moments like these. in fact, it has been something so deeply entrenched within my heart that i would never completely shake off this silly habit. it has become part of the forces that have moulded my personality and character.

but then again, my perspective has changed. or at least, at this current point of my life, it has.

when shadows come back to haunt me i will have to chase it away. and for that i must always remember to equip myself with a voice of rationality, and positivity.

remember the past, cherish the present and anticipate the future.

because time slips out of our hands in a flash, when we take the least notice of it. and we can never live our life solely on the hope that the memories it brought away would return. well, more often than not, they never do, except in the intangible form and in a melancholic setting.

with that, tan zhi ling will charge forward with a smile on her face. =) and, i'm sure, much laughter and love in her life will ensue.

2011-10-21T06:36:00.003+08:00

already a1 is coming to an end. happily cleared my swedish 1, and i can't wait to get survey analysis over and done with too. bloody hell paper on a sunday afternoon, really an ultimate timing manzzzz.

it's really a super slack course to substitute ab213 in ntu, which was apparently one hell of a madness for people back in ntu. don't know whether to be happy that we got off with it so easily, or to be worried that we're not picking up skills which might come in handy for our fyp next time.

but anyway.

seems like i haven't been updating this space for a long while! haha. already, it's 2/3 of october gone (yeah i like to count my days hahaha) and somehow i always thought it an impressive feat that i made it alive and sane thus far. not to mention the many many destinations that we had 'conquered' in europe! from the preschool trip (berlin, prague, vienna, krakow) to the weekend trips (stockholm, gothenburg, malmo, uppsala in sweden, and copenhagen) and even a mid-exam trip to edinburgh and london woohoo!

while traveling in europe sounds like a atas, we had met with countless incidents that couldn't help reminding me of our odac trips back then. chionging from one place to another to catch a bus or train or plane, navigating our way through the complicated geographics, sleeping in notorious backpackers' hostels. simply our uk trip alone was enough for me to write pages and pages in my diary HAHA.

yes this freaking chio place is up high in the scottish highlands. haha, if you observe carefully you'll notice that our poses were actually more like squirms because we were totally freezing to death up there. happily stepped out of our beloved hairy coo bus not realizing the drastic temperature decline from within the bus to outside.

and here's another beautiful spot =)

this time i made sure i bao myself up LOL.

and immense amount of respect to our tour guide donald here.

here's someone with so much passion for his job that i willingly forked out 25 pounds for a supposedly free tour. he was the driver, commentator, tour guide, deejay, entertainer, etc etc throughout the trip. while driving his beloved hairy coo bus along the roads he filled us in with loads and loads of stories, jokes, all the way from the start of the tour (near 9 am) to the end (about 6.30 pm). he even gave us a toffee candy each from a company which had stopped producing them.

gullible tourist or not i really thought he was one awesome man with a great love for what he's doing.

and i was super happy being the santa claus during the trip! bought loads of stuff from london to bring back to my family in singapore =D and finally replaced my aging old wallet with a super pretty one from topshop! hahaha. london is really shopping heaven.

stilll, we were glad to be back and settled down in the small quiet (and now super cold and will just get colder) jönköping. i guess it's just me but i won't ever bring myself to call this place 'home' yet, but this place has definitely been the most welcoming abode for all of us. sweden is really an awesome lovely place filled with snälla svenskarna! =)

and just now when we were walking back from school, we experienced the first sign of winter. what we thought were heavy rain droplets turned out to be ice granules dropping from the sky. certainly not our ideal way of getting in touch with something resembling snow though. always thought we're supposed to wake up nice and warm from our bed and stare out to a snow-laden land. not get miserably caught in the cold winds and soaking wet from head to toe from melted ice. carrying large heavy bags of groceries. LOL.

ok, i guess this blog post is possibly the most incoherent one for some time already. but don't really care, just feels nice to type and type away. but for now, back to survey! =)

2011-10-11T23:12:00.001+08:00

i'm thankful to have these people in my life. true that happiness doesn't last forever, and at times disagreements occur. but at the end of the day, i still count myself a fortunate blessed soul to be able to live a happy and contented life with them around.

and i guess it's one of my greatest regrets so far, not to have taken more pictures with my family. this is pathetically my only picture with my parents since more than 10 years. it's the only thing that i can stare at when homesickness becomes a bit hard to bear.

just now i had a very long skype session with my family =) really really long, and for the first time in my life it was me rather than them doing most of the talking. told them loads and loads of stuff about my life here. it feels so good, just to say everything to my parents. tan zhi ling is a bad daughter no more, and i promise that i'll not ever make them as worried as the day they had to rush down to the airport because i didn't let them know my departure details.

when i come back i will hug them tight =)

2011-10-09T19:20:00.001+08:00

hit by a sudden bout of homesickness again. weather hadn't ever been a hot topic until we came over to europe. now i even have the weather forecast page for jönköping under my most frequented webpages. haha.

and yeah, now i realize how the weather can affect one's mood. it is getting abnormally cold over here, dropping to single digits very soon, and there was once i even had to resort to wearing jacket and track pants indoors. and it has been permanent slacker's mode for me, even with exams and projects and deadlines. somehow life adopts such a slow pace here that it retards my senses and my brains. haha. ok now you see how much the cold has screwed up my perspective.

unlike the others, i haven't as yet developed such a strong bond for the country. it is true that i love this place and it gives me more than what i'll ever wish for. a quiet town, with beautiful trees and flowers everywhere. nice friendly people, cute old men and women smiling absent-mindedly at you when you walk by them on the streets. a beautiful big lake perfect for stoning.

still my heart yearns for home once in awhile. and right here right now, it is particularly strong. i miss my family and singapore so much, i can't wait for the day when i can finally fly back to where i truly belong. i listen to songs that i used to love playing back in the house, and when they flowed through my head, the images of life back there appeared so vividly in my mind. those simple moments doing nothing but just having your loved ones around you.

ahhh screw the menses, i'm not going to drop into emo state right now =) it's october already! time flies =) cherish the time when i'm here before slogging our guts out back in singapore =)

2011-10-07T14:31:00.003+08:00

feeling very heavy-hearted all of a sudden, no thanks to the time of the month. seeems like tan zhi ling's rare bouts of positivity couldn't last forever. but i sure hope it'll be back soon. it is quite depressing to be withdrawn with no apparent reason.

2011-10-03T07:06:00.003+08:00

attitude and perspectives might have changed, but that doesn't mean everything has changed. seems like i just have to work harder to improve. but for now it's rest for this sudden heavy heart.

2011-10-01T07:59:00.001+08:00

知足就是快乐。快乐，有时候简单得令人惊奇。

不开心只不过是浪费自己的时间。我应该早就了解这点。

2011-09-30T14:15:00.000+08:00

i wake up to realize that everything doesn't matter. it never really mattered anyway, because some things aren't meant to be explained.

let's get on with life.

2011-09-29T06:59:00.002+08:00

time is in the abundance over here, so much so that i'm suffering from a severe case of inertia. assignment deadlines no longer seem pressing, exams and tests hardly seem to matter. perhaps this is the 'exchange' mentality that everyone is talking about.

it's just so amazing, how many people could be going through the same kind of life now, but the perspectives and attitude could be so wholly different. i find it a struggle to make the most of my experience here sometimes. somehow, the pessimist in me (yes, it always announces its presence to make sure everyone knows it's there) just doesn't seem to ever wanna leave.

makes me wonder at times too, whether other people are truly happy, or whether they are just so much better at lulling themselves into a false sense of happiness. but somehow, the positivity doesn't seem delusional.

i remember promising to myself that i would change.

in the morning, when the sky was bright and the world was peaceful.

but it didn't take much to deflate me. well, not surprising, this has been my mentality throughout my life, regardless of where i am and what i do. i can, with an extra effort on my side, force myself to appear so positive i can deceive the world. but inside, i crumble, almost too effortlessly.

the only way i keep it going is to tell myself never to give up. i once chanced upon this statement.

'the only shortcut in life is to work hard.'

it has become something like my life principle already. keep on trying when you know you don't have the natural ability to do something. hai, shoo, heaviness of the heart.

2011-09-27T05:42:00.001+08:00

it is difficult to live together in a group. we all have our individual differences, our strengths and our flaws. there were many moments when we were tired, miserable, angsty even. moments when we wanted nothing than to escape from the world around us.

but even so, i am grateful to be with my group of awesome friends who are always with me in this huge foreign land. we even have a family tree LOL. it all began with our da jie xinghui (who is ironically the youngest among us backadal inhabitants haha), who became da jie because she behaved like one. and then our mama, mel came over and join us during our first week in sweden. and then sharon and i became the xiao meis in this cute little backadal family. going for grocery shopping, cooking and eating dinner together, travelling together, going to school together.

slowly, our family expanded after our stockholm trip. we now have at the very top, our ye ye jason, our tai gong lewis, our (se) bei bei andy, our da ge nino, our er jie ryoko, and our xiao di yuta. hahaha. kinda funny how this 'family' was formed, while we were all waiting for the food to digest in our over-stuffed bellies from the asian lunch buffet.

anyway, i'm really thankful to have all of them around, no matter how much i used to, and sometimes still, crave for a more solo lifestyle. goodness knows how much they have supported me ever since coming over to europe. so while my heart always pines for home, for that comforting sense of belonging back in singapore, my heart is thankful as well for the company here. for the experience, the pretty sights and sounds that i encounter everyday. the new happenings, the enchanting views, the laughter, the angst.

i guess it surprises me most to realize that, ever since i came over here, the tears that i had shed were so much less than when i was in singapore. i might feel low at times, but gone were the unexplainable emotional fluctuations that had tormented me back then.

perhaps with distance, i had learnt to treasure. being thrown abruptly into a foreign land far away from home, i had realized how important it was to give thanks to the many things i used to take for granted. how important it is to look beyond the minor details that used to screw me up for an entire day. how important it is to stay happy, be forgiving, be understanding.

for while my flaws still scream at me time and again, i have become less harsh on myself. it doesn't seem to matter as much, when i realize that there are so many things i could have improved on in my daily life, with regards to my attitude, my behaviour. i have taught myself that it doesn't really matter when others are better than me in some ways, because i am still young and have loads of opportunities to learn from them. to improve and be a better person. and i want to be a better person, i really want to. i want to make sure that my life is not wasted away on myself alone, but also on the people i care for, the people i love.

it scares me sometimes, thinking how i might just revert back to my shell when i return to singapore and complacency sets in. excuses spanning from the lack of time to exhaustion, barricading me from the rest of the world again, from my family even. it makes me hesitant, to even promise to change. although i think i should. promise myself to change for the better. and if there's anything that's not lacking down here, it would be time.

there are truckloads of time available for me to think through my life, both here and back in singapore. and throughout the period i've been compiling for myself a list of things i would wanna do when i return to singapore. it's getting extremely long actually, hahaha, but i really hope that i could be able to fulfill them.

i would very much wanna go on an overseas vacation with my family again, for instance. i remember back when i was in primary 4, our family went over to china for a one-week tour. going to places like beijing, tianjing. we were on a tour package, and everyday we stayed in grand hotels, eating good food. back then being the pig i was who couldn't seem to stop eating, my brothers used to go down to the mcdonald's or whatever fast food restaurants near our hotel and pack food in to enjoy for the night, while watching the tv in the room together.

i remember being fascinated by the bath-tubs when i was a kid, because i had never bathed in anything like that before (if you don't count those small plastic tubs that mothers used to clean their babies in when they're young). i remember i absolutely hated taking photos because i was scared of camera flashes, and i would throw a tantrum when anyone tried to snap a picture of me secretly. so long since i've gone out with my family, even for a meal outside.

i wanna go back and have meet-ups with all my beloved friends in singapore too. go to all the awesome food places, enjoy all the CHEAP local food again. drinking my eskimo hazelnut milk tea. or just a cup of teh bing. wanna go back to my old 'hide-out' outside esplanade, stoning at the view of the CBD.

i wanna help my mum with cooking. learn to cook, and help her to clean the house. i wanna sit with my father in the living room to watch tv. i wanna chat the night away with my brothers. i wanna buy nice clothes for all of them to wear, because they somehow don't have the habit of shopping for clothes. i don't mind even, shopping with them.

and maybe we could go walk around chinatown, because chinese new year will be near by the time i'm back. we can go buy all the new year goodies together, and decorate the house. i'll help with the spring cleaning, with painting the walls, like how i used to look forward to when i was a little girl, before i no longer responded to my father's words.

i wanna tell my family all about my life. everything. i want them back in my life, so bad. and stop worrying about them, so far away from home. i wanna share with them the experience that i am going through now, all the nice places i've been to, the nice food i've eaten. the nice people i've met. i want to bring puppy for a walk too, like how the dog owners here, who bring their dogs everywhere they go.

so funny, how the wishes i have are so simple, but yet i haven't been doing anything about them for many many years. because i hadn't seen a need to. because i couldn't overcome the insanity within myself, that kept me further and further away from all of them.

i will learn to give thanks, to being able to live on this earth. to be tan zhi ling.

2011-09-26T20:36:00.002+08:00

sights and sounds and figures which reminded me so strongly of home.

home is so far away, and i miss it dearly.

2011-09-19T15:40:00.001+08:00

at points in time i'll think, what exactly do i wish people to perceive me as?

someone a lil too strongheaded for her own good, but still unable to fully establish her own independence. i guess that's what many people would believe of me.

someone who likes to think overly deeply into matters, and amplify even the smallest faults into huge gaping cracks all the time. i suppose there are many people who will throng to this group too.

someone who wants nothing better than to live her life happily and blissfully, to learn how it is like to be an optimistic person, to stop with the cynics and embrace beautiful daydreams. someone who is driven by clear goals in her life, who knows exactly what she wants and how she goes about getting it. someone who can be respected by others, and most importantly herself. someone whose company everyone would anticipate rather than dread.

that is what i want. i suppose that is really what everybody wants. but it is all too easy to be defeated by thoughts, and by the lack of energy and motivation. all too easy to succumb to the tempting calls of Failure, beckoning at me with a comfortable bed and an ideally adorned private space.

i don't know why my life is always flooded with complaints about life, about myself. i can never be satisfied with who i am and what i have until i have the opportunity to lose them. take my voice for example. it has been long since i've sung all my 'cheena cliched' mandopop songs freely, and now the person up there decided to make things easier for me by taking away my voice. not all but enough to make me sound like a frog croaking even when i hum a tune. and so i have to keep quiet when the whole world is happily singing around me. and who can i blame but myself, for not taking care of my health, for not even trying to eat throat-friendly foods (and will still not bother to anyway, since i'm already deprived of heavenly delicacies around here).

sometimes i don't understand why is it so hard for me to trust other people too. it is a glaring characteristic of mine, not to share about myself to the world. not as if i doubt the people around me, but rather because i don't ever trust in trusting. and i don't ever trust in verbally revealing much about my life to others. it has caused me to be much of a cold blanket wherever i went, and a thick thick barrier separating me from the rest of the world.

but it doesn't seem to matter. even when i realize that people know me in a hardly positive manner, it doesn't seem to matter. i don't mind being simple-minded and helpless and lost all the time. i don't mind not making a good impression of myself to everyone else. or maybe i do mind, but since it has been like this all along i have already been numb to the unhappiness, filing it as another failed case under my 'personal life' folder.

i really hope that through my interactions with so many people i'll learn to pick up their strengths and not repeat any mistakes that anyone or i myself have made. i really wish that i can grow positively, and bloom and blossom as an individual.

it is worrying, when i try to picture my life ahead, and all i see is a grey sky decked with swirling dark clouds.

2011-09-16T04:26:00.002+08:00

every time i prepare the ingredients for dinner, i'll remember how, before i came over to sweden, for a very long period of time i had been scorning at homecooked food. thinking that my mum never really put in effort in preparing her meals, always coming up with the same dishes.

now that i am here, i am constantly reminded of my family in my daily life. i'll look at all the parents walking past with their children, and got reminded that my own family members are so far away from me right now.

sometimes i'll picture how happy my mother would be, if her daughter would help her to chop her garlic, cut her vegetables, or just wash her pots and pans. how she might actually put in more joy and pride in her cooking, if her daughter would be her kitchen assistant, and help her cook the rice like how she normally does now.

even from a long time ago, i've always heard my friends talking about buying stuff for their parents, for their siblings, and i've always found no need to do that for my own family. it almost seemed as if i wanted to sever all possible links with my family members, because i'll make sure they don't buy anything for me too, or spend money on me.

and at times i'll regret, when i realize that right here, there are so very few items that i have with me that can remind me of my family. all the clothes are my own or my friends'. every single belonging that i have with me, even down to my wallet and handphone, is bought on my own.

i am going to buy things for my family when i come back. for their birthdays, for whatever. i hope i will be able to go on an overseas holiday trip with them, because i can't remember how many many years back my family actually went out together. i am going to help my mum cook, and wash the laundry, and fold the clothes. i am going to follow my dad out for his daily jogs, and answer his replies as politely as i can. i am going to talk more gently with my aged grandfather, before i couldn't.

i am thankful that i have pertabrand pillow. unknowingly, it has followed me for more than 10 years already. and, it is the only thing that i have now, that was bought for me by my parents. back when they thought my even older pillow was too flimsy and decided to replace it during the chinese new year's eve when i entered primary 3.

i hope everyone's well back there.

2011-09-12T07:51:00.000+08:00

positive people are infectious, inspiring and influential. i have great admiration for people who can maintain a positive front against all odds. people who don't ever seem to feel too tired or too depressed to carry on enjoying and loving their lives, and caring for their families and friends.

my life is surrounded by people like that, and i stick up like a sore thumb among them. it's not as if i didn't try. but maybe, i just couldn't put in enough effort to summon up my energy. i wonder why too sometimes. is it simply a major personal flaw, or can it possibly be linked to something deeper? like genetics, or environmental influences, or rather, a combination of both.

suffice it to say that my life story wouldn't be what other people would term as normal. but of course, whoever will say that they actually had a very normal life? to each person their life would be fraught with ups and downs, and at least a few spectacular events which they could proudly share to friends for many years to come.

still, i guess life had been pretty extreme for me. and scars of the past, perhaps, had a longlasting but supremely subtle effect on me. voices lingering in my mind time and again. invisible chains holding me back, binding me from jumping back into 'the rest of the world'. i don't know, sometimes i find myself bizarre too. and it's not a great feeling to acknowledge yourself as weird (and yeap, that might still tzl pessimism in action).

i admit that i am hardly a faithful subscriber of this collectivism prevalent in my hometown. goodness knows how much i love to go about my daily life alone, do my own chores by myself, and settle my own tasks in my own way. in this exchange experience, i am constantly being forced to twitch my mindset totally, to go against the very nature of my character and embrace a life constantly, if not permanently, in a group.

and i wouldn't say it's a bad change. it's a necessary and very useful change and training for the future in fact. i am beginning to experience living life a wholly different way, and it has allowed me to discover myself in a different perspective.

although in this way, i also begin to realize how being too individualistic and independent last time had its setbacks. it makes me notice that i hardly meet up with friends regularly back in singapore. that i hardly communicate with my family for guidance or advice. i did however make a very good friend, and that friend is called 'loneliness'.

even now, at times, i feel that i need a breather, some personal space for me to indulge in, to recover from battle scars inflicted on me during the day.

i miss my family dearly. everytime i see families travelling together, it'll remind me that i have not gone for any outing (even locally) with my family for many many years.

i hope i can somehow, find from somewhere, the strength to adapt and to live happily, without losing myself in the process.

2011-09-09T15:42:00.000+08:00

negativity sticks to me like a glue. i can't seem to get myself out of this mess. it's like a quicksand, sucking me down down down.

please grant me my robotic mode now. i beg.

2011-09-07T06:26:00.000+08:00

everytime it seems that i'll have to learn the hard way, how not to hold on to things dear to my heart. managing emotions is a thing of the past; now i am just constantly tackling with how to manage personal expectations.

trust me, my mind is the best in forming preconceptions. i guess i simply cannot stand having uncertainty in life, and my mind does me a 'favour' by formalizing theories for every single unexplainable detail. that is probably why i hardly feel at ease with myself and with the world.

i'll be constantly nitpicking on the minute signs that suggest that things are not well, and then be fazed by my own helplessness to resolve the issues.

that's when the 'managing emotions' part comes in, i suppose. it injects the anaesthetic so that i will become numb to the ensuing discomforts that might arise. while it retards my senses and makes it seem as if i've simply zoned out from the world, it is only a temporary reprieve.

because anaesthesia won't last. and when it fades away, pain will come with a vengeance.

2011-09-06T04:29:00.004+08:00

烦恼，是自己制造出来的。下午在细雨中漫步，寻求心灵的平静。可是怎么走，心就是无法静下来。

自责可能没什么用，可是已经习惯了，无法改变。我也不想每天想东想西，什么事都默默地在脑海里追根究底。如果陈芷苓能什么事都不管，盲目懵懂地过一生，就不会每次无缘无故地搞到自己那么不愉快。也不会让大家被我的坏心情感染。

2011-09-04T22:04:00.002+08:00

there are many many good things about being on exchange. learning to be independent, widening our view and perspective of the world, exposing ourselves to different cultures etc.

but for me, my most valuable gain from all these, is to learn to appreciate. yes, i have always been talking about appreciation, but it always only went as far as my friends. ever since towing my gigantic suitcase abruptly out of the house, i have been frequently knocked awake by incidents that make me realize just how much i have taken my family members for granted.

absence makes the heart grow fonder, it's a golden statement that nobody could ever dispute of. absence seems to amplify our sense of attachment that we wouldn't even have noticed in the past, those apparently insignificant details that actually constitute an essential facet of our life.

it is only in this foreign land that i can fully appreciate how things don't come easy. settling our own meals, doing household chores like the laundry and dishes, shopping for groceries WISELY, i wouldn't have given much of a bother to stuff like that if i had remained in singapore. living expenses are high here, and thousands of miles away from home, we have gotta learn to control our cashflows.

i thank whoever created skype dearly, for letting me see my family and my home whenever i have the time, for giving me the peace of mind that i seek.

2011-09-01T21:31:00.002+08:00

fundamentally i haven't changed. and i'm alright with that. i'm alright with being introverted, i'm alright with being a woman of few words (haha, it's funny to describe myself as woman), i'm alright with laughing and speaking whatever comes into my mind, and following my heart.

because i know that personality is hard to change. it is something that is bestowed upon me the moment i was born. i know this mindset hardly coincides with those who always believe that with determination, they can create change. but it doesn't matter.

at the end of the day, what matters most is that i give myself a good life. forcing a change just so as to appease the crowds is so tiring. and i no longer feel any obligation to do that. but that doesn't mean i will do as i please of course. the mind will alert me when i'm stretching the boundaries too far. it'll still remind me time and again, hmm, very often in fact, of what should be the appropriate behaviour. be aware of the surroundings, and act accordingly.

yesterday i was very very happy. because i got to skype and see all my awesomes. it was such a nice feeling to talk to them; it almost felt as if i was really back in ntu, seated in the hss audi, listening to the speeches and staring at all those familiar faces.

and the feeling is naturally different. i remembered a year back when i was one of the nervous people waiting for the chance to come on stage, i was so envious of 14th. able to cheer loudly and talk in a relaxed tone, because the burden of the workyear had more or less been relieved from their tired shoulders. i couldn't understand how people could sit at ease in the lecture theatre then.

but yesterday i finally understood the feeling. the feeling that yes, the show is finally over, the baton will be passed on to the next comm. still full of energy and positivity, anticipating the year ahead with so much hope, because nothing has been really laid down in concrete at this point.

i guess as the year passes, some of them would go through their ups and downs. there would be despair at points in time, there would be anger and frustration, there would even be times when the future looks bleak. nonetheless, the journey had been a fulfilling one for me, a never-before and maybe never-again experience, and whatever misgivings i might have, i am glad that each and every one of them has earned the key to unlock the door to a workyear of wholesome adventure.

as promised, this blog will no longer be private. i did have my second thoughts yesterday night (in case people still don't know, singapore is 6 hours ahead of sweden currently), but i guess they are minor. a blog, like i said once, should be for me to share my thoughts and feelings openly. it is not a tool for arrowing my emotions and announcing my grievances, but rather the best way tan zhi ling can share what she thinks with the world. since she does so little of it when around people.

to all who's concerned, tan zhi ling is fine, and positive (in the most positive manner tan zhi ling can get haha), and i give my blessings and love to my dearest family and friends. =)

2011-08-30T05:24:00.014+08:00

berlin was where we first lay foot in europe, and also the last destination of our pre-school tour.

the first night, where we visited the brandenburg gate =)

and the parliament building where sharon tan went on a camwhoring spree lol.

happy cold people. LOL.

after that we beat a silent retreat to our comfortable grand hostel berlin before travelling over to prague the next day =)

and nearing the end of the journey, we found our way back to this piece of german land, to retrieve our 20 ++ kg luggages from xinghui's friend's apartment. a nightmare which we could hardly take pictures of. haha.

but we did take a morning to visit the infamous berlin wall, which is now entirely swathed in artistic colours and meaningful words.

like this.

this design immediately triggered my rare desire to take a photo.

FOOTprints =)

the message that got reprinted onto postcards, magnets etc etc. haha.

then we went to check out checkpoint charlie which was supposedly another renowned landmark left behind during the chaotic period.

but it was kinda disappointing. simply a structure in the centre of a busy road.

we had an awesome filling dinner with xinghui's friend, linda, at this restaurant known for its pork knuckles yum =) and the pasta and dumplings were not too bad too =) too bad no pictures haha.

the dinner sort of served as a carbo/protein loading session because we had to set off for jonkoping the next morning. an eventful day it was, with the railway station under maintenance early in the morning when we finally dragged our heavy luggages over from the hostel. seriously i would never belittle the weight of suitcases again. wheels hardly mattered when the distance was long and the road uneven.

shag faces?

happy faces (haha, xinghui got pangsehed for the shag face during this first shot)

so the 4 happy travellers finally made their way over to jonkoping to sink their roots into swedish soil. =)

but hell no, this wasn't the end of our tumultous adventure. hahaha.

when we finally got to know our accomodation after a long wait at the studenthouse in jonkoping university, the driver simply dropped us down when he reached backadal, unloaded our luggages and drove off.

and so the three of us were stuck outside what looked horribly like containers that house construction workers back in singapore.

how our backadal looks from the outside.

we found ourselves stuck with no wifi connection and unable to activate the free sim card that the school had kindly given us.

but eventually, we navigated our way around and found a supermarket nearby where we shopped for groceries and necessities.

and cooked our first meal =)

awesome and tired looks. haha.

and so we survived =) and continued to brave on for the subsequent days =) hee =)

************************

开始懂了，快乐是选择。

2011-08-28T06:40:00.018+08:00

a tumblr-worthy photo taken using xinghui's camera haha. we were beside the danube river in vienna.

anyway.

a highly welcomed part of any tour for tanzhiling would be the long journeys, where i could either stare in a daze at the passing scenery outside the window, or just sleep my fill. and indeed, the journey from vienna to poland did satisfy my craving, because what was initially just an 8-hour train ride transformed into a 15-hour journey.

although it was a most unfortunate and unavoidable incident (our first train stopped for very long due to maintenance work which successfully made us miss the second train, and we believed the angmohs in the same cabin as us when they claimed that our first train would bring us straight to krakow when we actually would need to transfer), i guess this is the kind of event that would make any trip more memorable. and well, it was nice to sleep for so long =)

anyway, right after we checked in and washed up, we went to explore the area abit for the remainder of the day. krakow is really small, so often we find ourselves heading towards the city centre, which is only about 5 minutes' walk from our hostel.

and this is the gate which we passed by countless times during our stay.

haha. we spotted people holding really yummy-looking ice-cream and couldn't help trying one as well, after our pierogi (the traditional dumplings there). and it was soooooo shiok =D

hee, happy faces =)

the second day there, we went for a 'tour marathon'. in the morning we went to tour in the world-famous auschwitz-birkenau concentration camp there. and it was really a once-in-a-lifetime experience, stepping through a place so infamously renowned for its dark history.

these are the 'prisons' with better living conditions in auschwitz camp. they look so innocently homely under the bright sunlight, which seemed to erase away the horrors that occurred there many years ago, but only momentarily.

in those buildings, we saw several pictures taken of the prisoners making their way hopefully over to the concentration camp. naively believing in the prospects of a better future despite the nightmarish train ride over.

and we saw these exhibits which evoked many emotions within me.

shoes.

and the many suitcases of the victims. each was so carefully labelled, harbouring the hope of its owner(s) in their pursuit for hope and comfort. blindly seeking for a reassurance of the mind, hardly able to detect the hell that awaited them instead.

the memorial in english.

ruins of one of the gas chambers in the birkenau camp.

in the afternoon we went to the salt mines.

the guide was those kind of people who could joke with a straight face. so we were more enthralled by him than the salt mines themselves. but oh well, it's an eye-opening experience nonetheless.

the next day we continued roaming the town for a while.

this was a restaurant highly recommended by the receptionist at our hostel. but we almost missed it because it didn't have a very prominent storefront, or even one in the first place, strictly speaking. and the decor within was pretty weird, with plastic dolls appearing at random corners of the restaurant. but the food was good and the prices were reasonable. =)

one of the beautiful cathedrals that we passed by in the old town of krakow =)

posted this picture simply because it's one of the rare glam photos i have. lol.

this was a typical marketplace in krakow which we chanced upon accidentally.

it somehow reminds me of the pasar in singapore. except that of course, the produce is more european. and so are the prices.

and then finally we boarded airberlin to our last stop (which was also our first), berlin.

that green dragon in my hands is wawel. the story behind its name was pretty long, haha, lazy to type out here, so will let you all know if you all are really interested next time =)

2011-08-27T03:52:00.022+08:00

journey continued in vienna. vienna was actually quite a disappointment actually, or rather, what it had to offer was far below our expectations. but i guess our expectations were pretty high in the first place, considering the fact that vienna is renowned as the capital of music (or so i remembered haha). and it was unfortunate that our vienna stay fell flat on the weekend, which signals 'rest time' across the whole of europe.

and again, more photos less words.

our first stop was this vienna international centre. i don't really know the significance of this place other than what i could infer from the name LOL.

camwhoring in ghost town.

it was ghost town because there were so few people around the area. the entire place looked like a typical setting in a stephen king book.

act yi ge charlie's angels.

the finally successful jumpshot (without tanzhiling who pulled out because of her old aching knee haha).

we wanted to head towards danube river. and we cut across this huge and beautiful park where some of the local people were playing football or walking their dogs. and there was even a little train track surrounding the park, where a small tram-like train ferried people around.

and then we finally reached our destination. and realized that the ghost town just now was because most people had flocked to the riverside to chillax on sunday.

the place was awesome. the water was chilly but clear, and people were either suntanning or boating or even swimming.

on our way to find food we chanced upon this random passer-by. he was wandering around when he spotted the 4 of us staring perplexedly at the interesting building in front of us (which turned out to be some energy or power plant or something). we talked for longgggg under the sun. and then he brought us over to his friend's restaurant to taste cheap but good and SUPER filling albernian food.

his name was chaban, and he requested that we email him this photo for memory's sake. it was a really pleasant encounter, although sharon tan was remarking that we had utterly failed the WWDS (what would dawne say?) test LOL.

after lunch we went to the palace where our concert would be held to sightsee a bit.

the front.

the back, with the very beautiful patches of brightly coloured flowers. seriously europe is filled with all types of flowers. their window ledges are often happily adorned with them, and it's a pity that in singapore this beauty would be acknowledged as killer litter.

the view from high up on the hilltop.

grass is really greener over at the european side. haha. it was so nice that we decided to just sit on the grass patch to stone for a while. and people sitting on grass patches are pretty common in europe actually.

evening time we were desperately salvaging the town for any shop that might somehow be opened to offer us some food before the concert. and amazingly we chanced upon a chinese restaurant. and it was SO good to eat chinese dishes that were remarkably similar to the homecooked dishes back in singapore. awww.

i miss eating cai fan. i remember i used to reject eating my mum's cooking at home. but now i am all so willing to eat whatever she prepares, even if the dishes are cold and she cooks the very nua dark green veg which i abhorred.

and then it was concert. which was quite a disappointment after all. according to my more musically-inclined companions the acoustics (or whatever chim term it was) were lousy and we were hardly able to see anything much at the last row of the seats. here's a picture of the concert stage.

the next day was museum day. we went to see this famous building in vienna, but of course the awesome tanzhiling didn't remember what was the name of the building now.

and then museum journey began. there was this area where all the different museums are clustered together. and there were many horse carriages (which is another common sight in europe) and people dressed in mozart-style selling tickets for the different concerts.

we went to the museum of natural history as suggested by sharon tan (arrow shot). and the first few rooms of exhibits were displaying.........

rocks and minerals. haha! the museum proclaims itself as having the world's largest collection of minerals and whatnot. i remember browsing through the names and recollecting the memories of the geog lessons in nyjc. bet mr william yeo would have been thrilled to see all these collections and somehow bring them back as teaching materials for his lessons.

but in any case the interior of the museum was remarkable. every pillar and wall was extravagantly built. made us wonder just how much work was poured into constructing a building like this.

we spent nearly 6 hours strolling through all the exhibits inside. were dead famished by the time we reached the animals section. but in the end sharon tan finally found the goal of our visit to this museum.

the elephant. although it wasn't the one in the picture to be exact. this one is the indian elephant, and there was another model of the african elephant beside. i was quite intrigued by this model of the indian elephant actually, because its eyes looked strangely human-like.

we went over to the amusement park there too, to see the ferris wheel, which we didn't board in the end because the tickets were not really worth the price.

yeah, the ominous-looking sky signalled the arrival of rain which continued in drizzles for hours. and it meant that we were all very lang bei when we finally made our way to the next stop - krakow, poland.

to be continued =D

2011-08-26T05:08:00.021+08:00

i wanted to do up a long and lengthy post filled with pictures to describe my tour around europe, but i realize that i'm not really that keen to give an account of everything the way people usually do. haha. might be nua-ness or whatever, but i guess bloggie here isn't really a physical recount of my life but rather somewhere in which i try to transform the intangibles into words.

in any case, i've koped photos from facebook as usual, so they shall say their tens of thousands of words to you =)

how could i skip the awesome retreat with my foot comm? haha. foot retreat was awesomely luxurious, and we were literally living pigs' lives. it was a standard routine throughout the few days, to eat and sleep (on a small bus chartered for our use alone omg) and eat and sleep. until we came to the waterfall where we had our 'largest' breakthrough. haha. and perfectly lived out the odac way of exploring, discovering and experiencing the majestic nature.

and that's tanzhiling happily decked out in singlet and shorts when everyone else was shivering from the cold. blubber ftw =)

and back to the virgin europe tour. our first stop was berlin where we went on a nightmarish journey dragging our heavy luggages from tegal airport to xinghui's friend's house. remember ooh-ing and ahh-ing at all the sights and sceneries and even the passers-by on the streets, simply because unlike before, they were mostly blonde hair and grey/blue eyes and fair skin. couldn't eat any dinner on our first night spent in berlin, although the currywurst and kebab looked good. plane flights worked 'wonders' 0n my stomach. zz.

day 2 in europe, we spent our morning travelling over to prague in czech republic.

the three happy girls. xinghui is damn zai. her backpack was like 15kg and she could carry it around effortlessly, and walked so fast we had trouble catching up with her when we were all rushing for our bus. hai, athletic gene is the envy.

john lennon wall =)

europe is a very dog-friendly country. you can find dogs everywhere. even in the railway stations and on the trains. very sadly, cats seem to be almost non-existent here. or if they do exist, i would just have to conclude that euro cats are shy.

prague has really beautiful buildings. even the alleys look pretty.

we stoned for a (really short) while by the river.

made me miss my own esplanade 'hideout' alot.

climbed up to visit the prague castle.

here's the view of the city from way up high.

the gothic and extravagant-looking cathedral.

its equally stunning interior.

taken by a passer-by who captured the shot very seriously. lol.

a very cute ancient guard.

impulsive buys LOL.

xinghui's sunglasses (from some time ago), my cat bag (to make up for the lack of cats here hehe) and sharon tan's hat.

at the famous bridge in prague (although i forgot what's the name. cuii. )

astronomical clock =)

we went on a ghost tour which ended up being more funny than spooky. well, at least the guide was a humourous guy, if not i would have sayang-ed my money even more.

yeah, that guy in the black robe was our guide. haha.

and this castle, according to him, was what inspired the beautiful palace in cinderella in walt disney movies. lol. 'except that in the story the castle is pink with a stupid fat fairy on top'.

continue with vienna, krakow and berlin another time =)

**************************

like i once said before, looking at photos make you feel happy. because somehow people always appeared happy since they were often smiling brightly in photos.

regardless of whether they were genuinely happy at that point in time.

resilience.

2011-08-25T05:18:00.005+08:00

it's been eons since i last visited this blog. whirlwinds were constantly hurled into my life all the way from pre-exchange preparation, and now i'm finally more or less settled down in backadal in jonkoping =) i guess it's time for some updates in case some of you are wondering if i have perished from the world LOL.

the few days leading up to the flight to berlin were a torture for me. had loads to pack and little time to spare. i had totally forsaken sleep for the first night of packing, when i finally borrowed a big suitcase from yiqian. partly because i was busy gathering my items, and partly because i was busy gathering up my mind too. exchange is no longer a faraway thought but something big and somehow ominous, looming ahead of me like a huge thunder cloud.

to be honest things didn't go well for me when it became time to leave. despite repeating to myself countless times to be nice to my family, especially my parents; to honour and treasure the precious moments before i would disappear from their lives for months, i failed. utterly.

i couldn't really explain what came on to me. it's that monster in my mind again. it took over me and clamped my mouth shut when my mother, somehow realizing that i was about to leave the house for real and for good, probed me whether i was going to the airport already. it blocked my ears from her voice, and that of my aunt, as i stubbornly lugged my trekking bag and pulled my suitcase out of the house alone.

didn't bring enough cash to cab to changi airport. haha. long story cut short, my mum followed me down when i first left, and took care of my luggage when i went back up to get money. and when i came down my third brother was beside her as well, just back from school. he was fuming mad. shouted at me, saying that my behaviour was atrocious. leaving the family without a word or even alerting them about my flight. all the while helping to pull my suitcase along.

but that monster remained. and it pushed me onto a cab without replying any of my brother's angry words, without looking at the both of them. it only left when i was seated in the cab, moving fast away from my home. and i crumbled to pieces during the journey then, millions of pieces, and i couldn't believe that i could ever pick myself up.

but i did. eventually. knowing that crying has never and will never help. i was pretty amazed by how drastically i could change my mood, at least on the outside, so that it appeared as though nothing had happened and i was just another happy soul anticipating my flight.

yet i guess it's true. that willing yourself to be happy will make you genuinely happy eventually. i saw all my friends and warmth just gushed into me.

and even at the airport my second brother spammed me smses filled with disappointment and anguish. it did make me ponder. was it really fear of embarrassment that nurtured the monster in me? i was so indignant and ready to retaliate when i first read the messages, but after awhile i couldn't help questioning myself.

in the end i did call up my parents who were so worried they decided to come to the airport anyway. and i was so glad i did.

=)

ok, wanted to update more about our trip around europe. but too sleepy already. shall do that another time soon =)

2011-08-09T20:43:00.002+08:00

partings are always tinged with grief.

and i must say, for today and the past two days, i've been going through an 'emotion overload'. it's a state of dissonance, some might say. as a bystander last time, waving goodbye to the people embarking on exchange, i used to believe that it's a wholly happy affair.

'whee! i'm going for exchange, will be gone from boring singapore for the next few months and have loads and loads of fun in a totally different place! how cool is that?'

it might be awesomely cool, but the pre-departure period is probably not the coolest thing on earth.

things scream at you suddenly. those things that you've taken for granted. the comforts of home, the presence of familiar faces, the taste of simple local fare. they make you realize that they'll be there no more, for the next few months of your life.

a few months. so short a period, yet it is enough to make the heart ache when it's time to leave. and in the mad rush to do everything last minute, i have forsaken sleep, and now i have to endure the bitter fruit. i could feel the oddly comforting warmth of sickness slowly creeping up on me.

i know. i know i had hardly done enough, to make this journey possible for myself. i couldn't help cursing myself time and again, for being the awful useless soul that i was, and the detestable procrastinator.

but cursing and feeling sad don't help. these are obvious facts that everyone always tries to put through to someone hopelessly engulfed in despair. but it takes the person himself or herself to see that those words get through.

like i mentioned previously, depression is not going to cripple me again. no matter whether i'm in the right or wrong, no matter the circumstances, i must be brave and strong.

2011-08-08T23:33:00.001+08:00

excruciating.

if only the world could be kinder.

2011-08-07T10:46:00.001+08:00

Rain on post foot. Bad omen no? Hai. Maybe it's just reflecting the mood of the spo.

2011-07-31T09:58:00.002+08:00

it will be difficult, to pick myself from the scraps and climb my way slowly back up.

but i will do that. tan zhi ling is so not going to lapse back into depression anymore. too scary, how near it lurked, how ready it was to ensnare me the moment i let my guards down.

no, i am sure i'm not a weirdo. i do have friends, not like what someone believed. i'm sure that awkward moments are normal, that they are not caused by me and me alone, simply because someone told me i'm difficult to talk to. simply because someone was surprised to hear me say that i had friends in my life.

yes, i'm that irritating and intolerant.

i used to pride myself for being able to tolerate a lot of things. and i knew that the remark was made in a moment of tactlessness, by someone who probably wasn't matured enough to think.

but.it.hurt.me.a.GREAT.deal.

i admitted that i used to be quiet, withdrawn. i still am, at times. everyone will be, at some point in their lives.

and it was most unfortunate that i was caught at one of those moments when it was most difficult for me to feign that everything was alright, that i was feeling fine.

it was most unfortunate that people witnessed the rare times when tan zhi ling just could not carry on acting like she's ok, because it was NOT ok for her, and she needed a quiet time away.

i was way more than silly to let insignificant people almost succeed in ruining my life for a moment. letting that one remark, that one careless insensitive comment, poison my mind for so very long. paralyzing me.

although i am battered and bruised, i'm far from admitting defeat in life. i'm too young for that, it's too far from the end of the world.

in fact, the more people detest me in life, the more i'm gonna prove them wrong. and i am going to make sure that i am happy with myself, that i am significant in this world in my own right. because nobody should make me feel like i'm a worthless crap. nobody, and that i believe includes myself. haha.

shoo you evil shit! haha. go away! i'm going to do what is best for me, what is good for me, treat myself well even as i treat others well.

i will keep on smiling because i have a nice nice smile! HEE! =D

ok, now words said, actions starting in a moment =)

2011-07-30T19:55:00.001+08:00

Omg i'm fucking screwed up.

2011-07-29T09:31:00.008+08:00

我记得我曾经说过，在这世界上，最可怕的，不是悲伤，不是愤怒，而是绝望。当一个人丧失情绪的时候，他仿佛已经失去了自己的灵魂。

这是我现在唯一能安慰自己的方法。至少我还拥有情绪。所以，不管怎么被情绪折磨，至少我还是活生生的一个人。只是多了一点狼狈，多了一点落魄。只是少了一点冲劲，少了一点决心。

我知道我不能对自己那么的放纵，不然只会越陷越深。可是，在这时候，观众已经散场，一切已经卸下帷幕。台下的十年功，已经展示在台上的三分钟。没有人能再强制任何人，继续强颜欢笑。

可悲的小丑，终于可以卸下彩妆，赤颜面对世界。

我只能对大家说一句抱歉。陈芷苓她并没有改变。她仍然像以前一样悲观，一样难以捉摸。只不过这一年来，她得学会怎么欺骗自己，才能顺利欺骗每一个人。让大家都相信她的乐观。因为有史之中，乐观才能有影响力，乐观的人，总是最惹人喜爱，最具感染力。

我可能只是一时激动，语无伦次。可能只是真的累了，想与世隔绝。

也可能，我已经真正变了，真正长大了。可能，现在只是一时情绪失控，只想自甘堕落，自暴自弃。

所以我请求大家的谅解。容忍我，容忍这没有用的小丑。

如果真的累了，真的厌倦陈芷苓，就留我一个人在一旁。不需要打扰我跟寂寞做朋友。

2011-07-28T09:44:00.002+08:00

i think anyone who's been through the planning of an event will experience something similar. the sense of emptiness when the dust has settled.

soon the vacancies will be filled by a new batch of people, still pumped up high with an endless supply of energy. still brimming with positivity and ready to embrace an entire year of new challenges.

i'm slowly reverting back to my old quiet self. slowly climbing back into my old quiet shell. and it doesn't matter, that soon i'll disappear. doesn't really matter that i'm not going to be around.

i've not done a good job, and i'm still not doing a good job. i'm not sure how others think, but every single moment i'm distracted by my flaws which are glaring in the face. making them pissed, making them eager, to get rid of tan zhi ling and phase her out of their lives as soon as possible.

and it is good. awesomely good, if they can see that i've not done a good job. in that way, it'll fuel them to eradicate the mistakes that i've made, it'll ensure that they are motivated, to do everything way better than me. i can only hope that things will go this way. =)

2011-07-26T10:14:00.002+08:00

我心情不好~~
。。。付出全被你丢掉。

i hadn't been feeling good. not at all. and even though we could declare that work is over, there's still this final lap, before agm itself, before i could be relieved of this burden of secrecy, of concealing emotions in front of everyone else.

just now while running, i thought to myself (it's been long since i got the time and space for such indulgence) just why is it so important for everyone to triumph through victory. happiness always seems to culminate from the fact that we are better at something than some other people.

life is hard, and the difficulty level increases with the level of prominence. like i told my potential successors, the most challenging task is to manage expectations. truth be told, in ntu odac the infrastructure has already been so established that the event would run with the templates that are there and sufficient manpower, regardless of the amount of screw-ups along the way.

the only thing is really, how you will steady yourself through the different expectations.

it is only natural, that when something is successful and you're the 'creator', you'll feel that the success is attributed to you. it is always good, to boost your self-confidence knowing that you're capable of great stuff.

but it has become more and more rare, for people to pause and think, of the many invisible hands behind everything. i can be honest to say that gilbert and i are hardly responsible for the awesome foot this year. without 15th comm, without 11th foot comm and 10th foot comm for that matter; without our cgls alex and jac, without our dedicated gls yong jun, wan rong, teo sian, shu min, steven, wen hui, jun wei and pris, without our hardworking SAs, without the always-present dinos, without the spontaneous and enthusiastic footies themselves, it would be nothing.

still of course, society has always been superficial. all sensible and intelligent individuals should know that silently giving will rarely be appreciated. in fact smarties should know how to 'shine' at the 'right moments', in order to receive a whole gush of praises and approving nods.

nobody could deny the good feelings when they are being recognized and appreciated. but for me myself, i never let it become an addiction, as it can trigger complacency and a bighead (mine is big enough).

in fact, i have been trying very very hard, over the year and especially over the intensive 6 days, to let go of the need to be appreciated. it's just to tell myself, that the event was for the club's future, for the enjoyment of everyone, rather than a platform to reassure myself of my effort and capabilities.

see the big picture, in other words. indeed, easier said than done especially when the event is over, but it did help me to swallow some very very bitter pills.

times when we were just sitting around doing nothing, because there wasn't an urgent need to resolve any major issues. times when people were mumbling about my lack of proficiency in cycling, because i chose to follow the pace of the slowest cyclist, slowing down the entire group or letting the faster ones overtake. times when, people were exasperated by my withdrawn or even 'weird' self, assuming that i was just an antisocial and boring individual who couldn't hold normal small talks with people.

true, the fact that i'm listing things down here, is probably because i'm still finding some things hard to tolerate. i guess nobody loves the feeling of being wronged, being maligned, and this is the only enclosed platform where i could spew out my grievances for a while.

because who will really remember the effort of somebody else, when it has nothing to do with the future or the experience? who will really show appreciation, when the credit is showered upon themselves?

but in any case, all these don't matter. what matters is that the big picture is a beautiful one. where everyone has put in the effort and is recognized for it. and so it shall remain, at the expense of everything. i must maintain this energy, this stance for the final phase, i will stay strong =)

2011-07-25T22:41:00.004+08:00

FOOT 2011 had finally ended. and it had been a magical process.

i still remember the time when gilbert and i were sitting together in the mcdonalds' outlet in bugis junction before trans comm interview. we wanted to discuss the direction for foot'11 this year.

that period was one of tremendous pressure, not because of workload or responsibilities, but rather the 'transition' process itself. self-questioning and uncertainty, i'm not sure whether it'll reappear again this year, but it is probably one of the first few ordeals that must be faced by our prospective 16th.

but anyway. yeah, at that point in time, i had felt very determined to run for foot spo (not because of passion but rather because of a certain calling or obligation). and when that decision came into my mind i had since been thinking through all the feedback that i had heard throughout our foot'10. trying not to be distracted by the fear of not getting the position at the end of the day, but only set on accomplishing one task, and that was to ensure that foot would be another round of success.

and yeah, i remember concluding that my foot would be something 'back to basics'. while foot'10 was all about change (thus the phrase 'break the mould' at the back of the foot tee), foot'11 would not be so focused on the various contests. it would not be so much on insisting a wholesome new experience for everyone, but rather to replicate the essence that had kept seniors coming back year after year after year.

indeed, that direction, that vision became more apt when the workyear unravelled, and we began to notice the change in culture within the club. but there was this nagging doubt, the rational/logical voice in my head which kept smirking and saying that our objective was too ambiguous, too subjective and intangible.

but during sp night, as foot drew to an end, i came to this sudden realization that miraculously, the 'odac family' spirit had been kindled once again. i said miraculously, because unlike previous years where the foot experience was re-created by people who had been through at least one year of foot itself, foot'11 was created by a bulk of seniors who had never gone through foot before. it seemed almost as if the entire 'family' was hatched again after dwindling in the dark for a period of time.

and no doubt this time round, foot had been a pretty emotional process for me. unlike last year, when i went through it as programmer. dutifully carrying out my responsibilities and seeing things through nicely.

this time round as foot spo, i found myself at a loss most of the time. it was a tremendous task for me, to refrain from doing anything other than to sit back and get an overview of the entire camp. overseeing things, making sure that once the wheels were set in motion, there weren't any rustic catches that would slow down the process.

it was a huge struggle, because throughout the year i had been actively reaching out to the many odac members during the many different odac events. others might not agree but i personally felt that i had stepped out from my introverted self and actually enjoyed the process of interacting with many many different people.

got so carried away that, when foot itself started it became quite a bit of torture for me to simply step back and let my foot commers, my cgls and gls as well as my SAs occupy the stage. in fact, it became one of my greatest regrets, not to fulfill my goal as one of the rare few event spos who managed to keep a high spirit and a beaming face during their event. suppression became some sort of a withdrawal for me, looking on as others had the time of their lives, stepping in only when major cockups happened.

most of the time, i found myself just standing at the side to observe and smile. smile at the growth of the new ones, how they began to step out and step up, how they learnt from their mistakes and built on their strengths. it's a bittersweet feeling. knowing that it was high time to move on and let the young ones take over. knowing that we can no longer linger but have to move on, that we might just come back one day and realize that there is no longer any sense of familiarity in a club that we have shed blood and tears for.

it's hard. i cried a lot during sp night. sitting quietly with my back facing the function hall. hearing one og (i think it was cosa) singing 'odac spirit' happily, not joining in like what i'd done throughout the year before foot but really letting go.

letting go, moving on. pass it on.

2011-07-17T15:21:00.001+08:00

Bye bloggie,bye hougang.

The next time i'll see you,i will have pang gang 'unoffically' already.

For the next week,i just hope that everyone including me will be blessed with god-like energy and positivity. Thank you.

2011-07-16T16:40:00.001+08:00

Slashed open and bleeding. Seemed like humans are always hard to fathom.

But no matter what,i'm not going to let things keep my head down. No way,i forbid the presence of inertia in the whole of next week.

Because nothing really matters at the end of the day. My personal goal was for foot to leave a deep memory for my foot commers,and thus it shall be. :)

2011-07-15T22:22:00.003+08:00

15th management committee figurines personally handcrafted by our zhong tong guo hua (and according to him, a little help from zhong tong fu ren perrine for the feet).

the days are becoming rainy again, as is always the case when foot draws near. the air always has a tinge of chill, and the floor everywhere always seems to be wet, with small puddles scattered all over the place.

i was at changi airport in the morning. sending our dear ah ying off to india for exchange. i didn't really feel anything even as i peered around terminal 2, thinking that in less than a month's time, it'll be my turn. previously, i had been sending friends off at this place, and it just felt like any other of those times.

but then in the end it still felt different. i was pretty amused by how the others were talking about not 'spoiling the market' and dropping the first tear, because i myself was confident that i wouldn't.

but that was until i noticed our ah ying's eyes turning red, the girl who had always been so strongheaded and brave. and i noticed the deep deep worry emanating from her dad, a man with a hard face but an unwavering love for his only daughter. and the mum, frantically helping her with her backpack although it was a task which could be easily managed alone.

i couldn't prevent my eyes from souring. but thank goodness it was only for a fleeting moment.

and i remembered, back while we were still hanging around at the departure hall, ah ying went out to take a picture outside the airport. and some of us were wondering aloud, just why would she wanna take a picture like that.

i wanted to say, sometimes only when you are gonna leave will you treasure the beauty of the things around you. but i decided to keep my silence.

foot coming real soon. tomorrow's day -1 already =)

2011-07-14T17:29:00.004+08:00

i know this hardly adds value to anything, but gosh it'll make me feel so much better (at least for now).

FUCK YOU NBS FOC. fuck off man, seriously. jibai, confirm your participants so fucking late, pull MY footies away. always the black sheep among all the FOC comms that cause SAO to be so fucktub also.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

ok, angsted. meh.

2011-07-12T09:48:00.003+08:00

slowly but surely, i am learning to not think too deeply into things.

the change might not be noticeable, but i am beginning to feel myself letting go of matters that will only upset me. maybe that's why my body is doing me a huge favour, by putting me into this unusual daze that have been hovering around me for days. i am consumed by lethargy everytime i have time to pause in my life, such that i have no more energy to do anything other than sleep. indeed, these days, it seems that most of my empty timeslots are spent sleeping away.

and when i have to wake, it would be to settle some urgent matters, not leaving any time for me to sit down and reflect about life like i used to.

it is funny, how i was looking forward to loudly cheering 'pang gang lo!', watching 14th in envy. because now that the chance to do that is ever so near, i realize i no longer look forward to it as much anymore.

2011-07-10T18:32:00.003+08:00

quote from doris' facebook status:

'beginnings are usually scary, and endings are usually sad, but it's everything in between that makes it all worth living.'

how true indeed.

and of all people, i'm someone who loves being at status quo the most. i can't stand having changes to my life, that's why i absolutely loathe having to transit to a new environment or new way of living. i dislike disruption to my routines.

but then, i heard this lady say once on tv, that to really be at ease with the world, one must learn to live a life of disruptions. disruptions in terms of daily routines, disruptions in terms of conventions and order.

only when we learn to adapt, will we really learn.

2011-07-08T20:41:00.002+08:00

i've been on a daze of late. sleep debt is really the lousiest debt on earth to incur, because once you trigger it off, it can carry on for a few days. it's almost as if you'll always feel tired and sleepy no matter how much rest you get.

point to note: always have adequate rest. but, as event comes, i guess that's hardly possible. point to note for point to note: always make sure you have endless energy supply to make up for your sleep debt. but come event, people hardly have appetite with issue after issue to solve. point to note for point to note for point to note: always ensure that you have trained up your stamina to a god-like level.

haha. maybe i should start to step up my level of discipline to the scary standards that i had before entering uni. those hideous amount of running and exercising would make sure i go a long way. of course, i've gotta weigh between that, and having adequate rest. though the thought of losing some weight sounds tempting.

ah, dilemma of the old. young people don't have to worry about this. haha.

and come to think of it, it's really been a long journey. this upcoming foot will be the third one that i'll go through. first one as (angsty) footie, second and third ones as foot comm.

even as i like to say, foot has never been my passion, be it as a participant or an organizer, i have somehow been tied to this event for all my years in ntu odac.

been doing all that were required from me, fulfilling all my responsibilities, swallowing all the protocols, being the exact role model of a foot commer. it's almost as if i owe the event something, the moment i step foot (pun unintended) into ntu.

funny, how i behave that way, but my thoughts hardly agree with my actions.

because sometimes, i have to wonder at the value of whatever effort we pour into the event. i have to wonder, just why people will get so worried and stressed over the minor details of foot, how a small issue, a minor problem, a snide remark or sarcastic comment can render people inactive for a few days just to stop being affected by them.

how would i not know, when i had been through this process time and again for my 2 years in foot comm?

but it is because of this realization, perhaps, that makes it easier for me to see through things, to accept, to bow down and eat the humble pie whenever opinions clash.

it is because of this (and also the nudging feeling that foot itself has been the blood curse of my life) that i'll give everything to create the best experience for everyone. even at the expense of my health, my future, my dignity and feelings.

yes, i agree it's hard to leave. hard to leave something which had made you shed blood and tears (both literally and in general).

but i guess. time always forces us to grow. time teaches us that we are no longer young enough to act like the world belongs to us alone. it teaches us to give sacrifices, it teaches us that nothing is permanent, just like how time is never permanent.

and it's fast after all. in the blink of an eye, tomorrow will be participants' brief for foot already. like what kok siong has told us before back in FOOT'10, 船到桥头自然直, indeed, all issues will smooth over when it's time for the show to start. and then when it does start, all we have to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the show.

and after 2 weeks, everything will be over. everything will be over, and it'll be time to leave pretty soon.

2011-07-05T10:17:00.002+08:00

有时候，当一切的一切把你压得喘不过气来时，只要轻轻地哼着一首歌，心灵就会自然而然地得到平静。

有些东西，不需要计较太多。要知道，有时候存在的意义，不是为了名和利。存在的价值，也不一定只能用快乐来衡量。因为喜怒哀乐，个个都是一种情绪，而有情绪，就表示有生命。一个没有任何情绪的人，才是真正可怕的。

说来说去，其实世间上，几乎任何东西都不是一定的。整个世界，都是一个灰色地带。如何找到所谓‘对’的路，对我而言都是凭着一个字。

而那个字，就是：尊。

自古以来，人类都在寻求一个平等。有多少个世纪的血与泪，都是为了这理想而洒。其实，平等很简单，但却很难被理解，因为平等的基础在于‘尊敬’，而尊敬却反而变成一个很稀有的品德。

说了那么多，其实只想说，一切都不重要。重要的是，懂得谅解，懂得原谅。

2011-07-03T22:03:00.002+08:00

over my 2 years in foot comm i had been to ntu src grandstand so often that i had gotten to know and even name the 2 resident cats over there. they had been there ever since my first year as foot programmer, when i had (very aptly) named them angsty and fattie.

even though i've been calling the cats and pestering them repeatedly with their names, they had hardly responded to it even after 2 years. someone remarked that i could just keep trying for my remaining years in ntu, and maybe one fine day they might just decide to be friendly with me and come when i call.

but i doubt so. cats, after all, are not dogs.

and i know it might sound very ridiculous, but i feel quite thankful for their presence somehow. yes, even though they were hardly friendly (fattie would growl and walk away while angsty would just snap and scratch when i extend my hand), they were the creatures which i would turn to when i had my down moments.

because quietly i would gaze at them or even talk to them (or their disappearing backs if they're walking away), telling them how i felt.

they are more wary of humans than average cats, and it doesn't take an idiot to understand why that might be the case. that's why i don't dislike them for being hostile towards me. in fact i feel that i could empathize with them. they are clever, to know not to trust overly, to know to protect themselves at all costs.

it hurts when you give your trust and find out that it is being taken for granted or thrown away for whatever reason. hurts to know that, as much as you respect other people and give ample space for them to prove their abilities and showcase themselves to the world, things might not go the other way.

somehow, people just couldn't trust you enough to decide. somehow, what is ultimately your job, really doesn't seem to be yours because others don't have the faith in you, and they would rather handle the problems (openly or secretly) in your place thinking that you would never come around to solving it.

i don't know. many people have told me that i'm a complex person, difficult to understand because i hardly share things and i hardly appear to be who i am beneath. but maybe if they have thought along the characteristics of how a stray cat behaves maybe they might understand more.

it seems that revealing your emotions and thoughts easily is never a good thing. because people judge, and most of the time i can safely say that people hardly judge in your favour.

when you feel sad others would just think that you're not strong enough to manage your emotions. when you rant of a problem which is hard to solve people would just think that you are just simply too incompetent to overcome the obstacle on your own. when you are fearful some would just think that you would be too afraid to take any action.

even now i know that by saying all these here, it would hardly add credit to myself. 'oh, there she goes again, zhi ling is being all negative and screwed up again and this cannot do, she should know better than to behave this way.'

maybe i'm just being headstrong. maybe i'm just being petty. maybe i'm just really too lousy. but i feel that i've already been making much conscious effort to swallow my pride in front of others.

i have been frank and honest when it comes to things i have no knowledge of or familiarity with. it might seem inappropriate for one to show that she is unsure of some things but i feel that it is better this way than to shamelessly assume that i'm a know-it-all and commit some fatal mistake at the end of the day.

and when i'm being frank i know i would make myself very vulnerable. people would perceive it as my weakness and take over the situation on my behalf. subtly for those who don't wanna hurt my feelings, especially those who know how i might typically react; openly for those who just either couldn't give a damn or somehow don't realize that the things they do can really stab at my dignity and ego.

i have somehow made myself learn to accept whatever reaction from others and force myself to appreciate. because hurtful or not, at least it shows that these people care enough to try to do something. doesn't really matter that at the end of the day, many things are subjective and ambiguous, that what one feels is the most appropriate action to take might not be so to another.

i understand that sometimes, i have my own limitations, my own incompetencies. i fully embrace that and try my best to change. i know that many times i would feel unhappy, and i would force myself to hide it, to forget about it, to look at the bright side of things and look at the good of the people who cause the unhappiness in me. force myself to be thankful and appreciate, to understand why he or she might wanna do things even though they hurt me so much, and then slowly reason my way out of my own disappointment.

but it is tiring. really tiring to know that, at the end of the day, despite making so much effort to let as many people shine in front of others, despite trying so very very hard to make sure that everyone around me is at least recognized for their efforts and genuinely appreciated for the blood and sweat that they pour in, you somehow know that no one will really treat you in the same way.

indeed it is hard. after all, the world nowadays seems to function mostly on superficiality.

2011-07-03T10:23:00.001+08:00

Seems that respect doesn't exist anymore :)

2011-06-30T12:41:00.000+08:00

i am so good at hurting others' feelings.

good job well done tan zhi ling =)

2011-06-30T01:08:00.002+08:00

everyday, i hold on to the value of respect. i constantly remind myself, to think of others before myself.

the golden rule is ingrained in my life. to treat unto others how you want others to treat unto you.

it has served as a reminder for me time and again, it has trained up the level of forbearance within me.

haha, still i've gotta say that for some unknown reason, today i was pretty angsty in the afternoon while i was traveling around. couldn't really obtain a peace of mind even though i was alone. seemed that everyone was stepping on my toes. ha.

and somehow i kept returning to the same place, over and over. even in the midst of everything, during the smallest empty slots i would pop over. and there i would allow myself that sinful indulgence of caving in to negativity. of letting thoughts flood my mind from all directions. of just letting my mind drift off, further and further away until obligations call and i have to leash it back.

argh.

sometimes, it is just so hard. so hard to make myself be a sensible girl. so hard to remember to smile no matter what. so hard to put myself in the shoes of others, so that i can understand the stand which someone else is coming from.

sometimes, i just hope, that i can be unruly and rude again. that i can be as awesomely disrespectful as i am at home. that i can just ignore the feelings of everyone else in the world, as long as i myself remain happy at the end of the day.

as long as i'm happy, that's all that matters, isn't it?

no.

haha. it is never the case.

never ever ever the case. because while you know that you'll try your best to make life easy for everyone, you still can't please all. and nobody will reciprocate that and make sure that life is as easy as a breeze for you.

hai. it's late at night and i'm just talking gibberish. pouring rubbish into this already stinky chute, choked full of words which can go nowhere else.

no time to crumble, no time to sulk.

2011-06-27T20:14:00.002+08:00

at some moments, i simply stood back and observed the scene silently, taking in everything that was going on around me without actually joining in.

i try to cling on to every single shred of memory, every emotion. i try to immerse myself in the present instead of getting hooked to the past. i try to picture how everything will be like when i'm no longer around.

maybe that's how a dying person will live her remaining days. not really sadly, not really happily, but just gloriously, as the last of those flames burn bright.

2011-06-24T09:43:00.002+08:00

你知道，伤心到不可思议的滋味吗？

伤心欲绝不是自甘堕落的借口。我已经学会了这点，也知道，越难过，就要越懂得怎样克服悲伤，失望，恐惧。

2011-06-24T06:06:00.001+08:00

They say that life is shaped by the major decisions you make in life.

Maybe,that isn't really any decisions. Life simply shapes your character, which very much determines already the type of decision you'll make. Simply put, you don't really have options, just the time to explore and let your character proceed about its own course.

Tan zhi ling had gotten her own way, too many too many times when she was daddy's little girl. I believe that somewhere up there, they do give a certain limit on the number of times you can have your own way.

I think i have used up mine long ago.

2011-06-20T14:45:00.001+08:00

Build harmony, not dissonance.

I don't know whether things can be attributed to external circumstances or just internal conditions. All i wanna know is that, whatever happens, i'm not going to give up, i'm not going to let my stand be swayed easily, no matter how loud that self-hate voice in my head can get.

I seek to understand, seek to put myself into the shoes of the people around me, in order to decipher the meaning behind their actions and words. Sometimes i'm at my wits' end, because i might not have done enough, but i've done all i could, and at the end of the day, some form of negativity still arises.

Too bad, i don't believe in showing weakness until i am pushed to the brink of the cliff. And i hope this spirit will endure, and bring me through some of the great decisions i've to make in life.

And. I must also tell myself, constantly remind myself, to keep my pride down, to keep my bighead as small as possible. Knowledge is meant to guide people through life, and it can be a useful tool in times of great need. But i don't see knowledge as any beautiful gem to be flaunted ever so often, i don't see why it should be translated into a weapon, to give one a majestic power.

Ah.

Let's just hope, that everyone should at the very least, appreciate the meaning of living, and respect, the most very basic form of respect, to others.

2011-06-20T10:32:00.002+08:00

mind is clouded by the virus which refuses to leave. damn, i've gotta resort to aspirin soon, regardless of whatever adverse long term health effects (not totally accurate anyway) haha.

seriously think for the past years in uni, there has been a certain pattern to my life at each stage. my physical, my mental, haha, soon i shall engage in full-fledged chiong mode for FOOT, but at the same time my health will be going against me. awesome timing, no?

FOOT has always given me two very standard presents. first is the infection from pelepah. second is the losing of my voice. which, from last year's record, took nearly half a year to recover again omg, how awesome would that be.

and once again i start to witness the different personalities, different reactions, different behaviours of people under different circumstances. more vividly as the camp draws near. it is true, really, when people say, FOOT is all about managing people. all about wading your way through a hundred thousand different verbal obstacles, and staying composed throughout.

talking gibberish at this point is just a sign of how the inflammation is making me real frustrated. PANADOL SPAMMAGE zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

2011-06-17T17:41:00.001+08:00

man, horrible time for the flu bug to strike.

shoo virus shoo, i've no time to entertain you, tan zhi ling is gonna be healthy and strong. yeah.

2011-06-16T11:15:00.001+08:00

不甘愿被误会，又能怎么样？有任何怨气，也只能往肚子里吞。

在这世界，好人没好报。如果要做好人，就要认识这一点。

2011-06-14T08:58:00.003+08:00

i love talking to different people from different walks of life, and hear different perspectives. it makes me see life in a different manner, it gives me a peek into the thoughts that go through other people's minds. it might seem that many humans behave in the same way, but sometimes things are just so totally different within.

it was especially liberating to talk to the monk back at the campsite. although his words, i guess, made more sense to him than to anyone else. but i felt that i was talking to a freed soul.

a person who has seen beyond any worldly desires, and only seeks a peace of mind in a secluded part of the world. a person, who no longer hates, but seeks to appreciate, every single morsel of life that is bestowed upon him.

whatever one does or says, there is always a group of people who will give support wholeheartedly, but there will also be a group, who will be totally disapproving. i have long seen past (or i hope i have) what is right and what is wrong, and only recognizes a person's actions for the values he or she beholds in life.

i am sure, even at this very moment, that there will be people, who would look at the words i've written (or rather, typed) and snort. there will be people who will shake their heads in exasperation, wondering why this girl here just likes to go on and on about life, about its ups and downs, analyzing it from so many different angles, when really, life is very simple. life is just about living, letting each day pass by.

i no longer trust that there will be enlightenment and relief when i share my thoughts with others. like even now, as i express things out. because nobody will ever agree with their entire heart.

we have come to an age where every one of us learns to exercise our own judgement. we might hear a story, give our empathy, but really, will we be as motivated, as passionate as the storyteller? after all, it is all about the storyteller's life, not ours.

and really, what do we seek when we let others know our plight? sympathy, even a little bit of help maybe. but i don't wish for both anymore.

all i wish for, is a little freedom from my mind.

2011-06-10T21:22:00.002+08:00

i shouldn't let my thoughts go haywire.

goodness. tan zhi ling shouldn't ever let herself have time to stone for too long.

what ben said was right. not healthy to stone for long. haha. was really glad to talk to ben today. yes, indeed, no big scheme could have lifted all of us from the same predicament. there's just this barrier that separates us from the comm, ever since we started our duties.

and each of us has very different working styles. be it result(or event)-oriented, or people(or subcomm)-oriented. different circumstances, conditions, jobscope.

hard to compare. but.

didn't prevent me from going on my self-hating again and again. for every small thing that i failed to cover, for every inadequacy i had i just had to curse myself.

curse myself for not being able to plot great schemes. curse myself for having an ugly face and an ugly body. curse myself for feeling tired when i've expended too much energy. curse myself, for being the 妖精. curse myself for feeling lost sometimes, curse myself for being scared, for being afraid. curse myself for being selfish. curse myself, for failing to be perfect.

gosh. i have got to find things to occupy me every single minute. it sucks big time to be left alone for even a short moment. i need to leash up my brain. zzzz.

2011-06-09T20:50:00.002+08:00

arms and back stiff like anything. i feel like i'm incarcerated in a thick metal armour now. never paddled so much in such a long time.

so happy that my infection has gotten much better. no need to spend loads on a national skin centre visit, although i miss dr ee, and the somehow happy feeling of going on medical appointments.

had a wonderful time stoning at changi beach. i called a black cat to stay by my side for that night, and it did. oh well, i tried to convince myself that it did, but i guess it's rather i kept pestering it, following it wherever it went. i sang to it, and i convinced myself that it enjoyed listening to me.

i talked to it, and i convinced myself that it was listening to my every word.

although of course it's not. its life would only be revolving around eat and sleep and survival as a whole. why would it wanna bother itself with the nonsensical words of a retarded girl who disturbed its peace the entire night?

quote from somebody which set me thinking the other day.

'so what if you know the reason(s) why we are emo-ing? there's nothing you can do about it, so why must you know?'

ya. why must tan zhi ling always dispute other people's cynicism and try to prove otherwise? hanging on to false hope and positivity i guess.

2011-06-07T09:41:00.002+08:00

if there's one thing i could take away from pumpfest 2011 this year, it would be the memory of witnessing the (limited number of) climbers in action.

i was fortunate to be able to view up close how each climber would make his or her way up a problem. capture those looks of intensity, concentration, pure determination in their eyes, as they planned to conquer the wall in front of them.

haha, it always makes me very envious of them, because tan zhi ling herself sucks at climbing. i have neither the grace, nor the strength to pull myself up beyond the 3rd or 4th tile of the simplest route, let alone the impossible-looking route that they climb.

but it wasn't really about that. i find the fighting spirit of the climbers very admirable. how they will try and try again when they fall. how they will be calm and composed enough to strategise their moves before they proceed. how they don't just rely on pure strength, but also technique to lift themselves off the ground. yeah, this is a sport that needs a bit of brain as well, not like running or swimming where you just have to brainlessly carry on the same motion, over and over, to bring yourself far.

anyway.

there were moments when i really yearned to be away from where i was. moments when all i wanted to do was to stroll back to my favourite new-found stoning place right in the heart of singapore. where nobody would notice this girl, seated in front of the singapore river, nobody would disturb the flow of thoughts in her mind, and nobody would be startled by the flow of tears from her eyes.

for every imperfection that i have i will reflect. think and re-think, of how i could've made things better for myself and for everyone else. how i could've handled things better, so that at the end of the day, it would be the best situation for everyone else.

trust me, i am truly very grateful whenever i receive care and concern from my friends.

it was nice to know that even when the whole world seemed to be against me there were people who saw through the situation and felt indignant for my predicament.

it was nice to know that even when i appeared nonchalant there were people who saw through my cover and came to ask if i was ok.

it was nice to know that even when i had hardly done a satisfactory job, my seniors had come to encourage me and pledge their support and guidance.

but.

somehow i thought to myself. it just goes to show that, there is still room for improvement. that there are cracks of weakness in the walls of this strong dam, where the water is slowly trickling through. if i have done a better job i wouldn't have needed people to come over and show their concern. if i have done better nobody could've detected anything wrong that needs to be rectified.

察言观色.

i've long lived by this for many different kinds of situation in my life. well, to say the least, unhappy people will stick up like a sore thumb even if they are just within my peripheral vision. unhappy faces, they will sound off the alarm in me, and prompt me to react.

but sometimes i wonder whether things could've been better if i couldn't detect unhappiness in people. that it is better for me to just carry on blindly believing that everything is ok and alright and everyone is happily going about their business. because it sucks to know that others are not pleased, for one reason or another or even because of me myself, and i couldn't do anything much to resolve it.

ya ya, i know that i cannot satisfy everyone. it is impossible really, to make sure that everyone agrees with what i do, it is almost like forcing everyone to think the exact same way as i do, which i know for sure is absolutely impossible.

haha. it is like having an entire world of tan zhi ling. well, i'm sure i'll be very very happy this way, to have a whole world of people who have the exact same set of thoughts that i have. long wanted to have a twin, because then i'll have somebody who knows me deep. but i guess a whole world of tan zhi ling is hardly an ideal world, but rather a very dead and awful world.

sigh sigh sigh. mood swing mood swing, i hope i can get rid of you forever. i wish that i can get rid of my inferiority too, because self-confidence seems like a basic requirement of positive people.

nyeh. if i carry on writing i will write forever. which doesn't seem like a bad idea. if only my whole life can just be spent writing and writing. not those beautiful stories that become published into books and novels, no, just the senseless, illogical, haphazard form of writing that tan zhi ling does.

that, at least, will be a very happy life.

2011-06-06T17:58:00.001+08:00

i am strong.

how strong?

stronger than everyone else =)

haha!

2011-06-04T21:15:00.002+08:00

i have learnt that doing good needs no good return. i had prepared myself well for that. but i hadn't really pre-empted that all the wrong might be heaped onto me too.

no point wasting energy to argue or defend myself when i know i have done nothing to deserve this. no point wasting energy, if it could be better spent on repair and recovery. man, i vested a lot of my energy just trying very very very hard to not be affected by all the negativity, angst and whatnot that were arrowed towards me. didn't even have any strength left to feel depressed.

gosh, lucky i got my previous blog post as reminder. nothing is gonna stop me from doing my best for my odac. especially when i saw my dearest seniors appearing after being absent for so long. even if the whole world is against me i'm gonna protect my club.

2011-06-03T01:00:00.001+08:00

no more time left for hesitation, no more faltering steps.

please let everything fall nicely into place. i really pray that a miracle could happen and my beloved club's future could be saved.

for now i shall believe that tan zhi ling can create wonders. even if circumstances are not under my control and opinions are flying in from all over the place. i am strong, but i need to be even stronger. so that i can lend my strength to the people around me.

be an asset, not a liability.

odac has left a deep memory in my life. and i love this club fully. nothing is going to stop me from giving my utmost for this last lap. =)

2011-06-01T09:05:00.002+08:00

跌倒了再爬起来。跌倒了再爬起来。

yeah. gotta tell myself that over and over and over again.

i have learnt. that regaining lost respect will be even more difficult than earning new respect. all things work this way.

you build a splendid-looking house, you apply layers upon layers of whitewash and paint. and then, all it takes is that one little scratch, and the painted wall will never look perfect.
you could have been a samaritan all your life, doing all the good deeds and giving your all. but all it takes is that one grave mistake, and people will remember you for your bad forever.
you have gone through an awesome life. brave through millions of obstacles along the path, bite the bullet and endure through years of growth. and all it takes, is that one moment of death, to end your life forever.

and so it has occurred to me. that i cannot be so naive as to perceive the world as unfair. i could not attribute the blame to others for pushing things too far when it was fundamentally my own weakness for not being able to maintain a strong front.

just like how i love to blame my behavioral flaws on my family. on my father especially, for bringing me to this state, simply because he has done what fathers do and dote on his child. overly.

after all i have proven to myself over the past few years, how the youngest child, the spoilt brat of the family who once didn't even have the courage to buy things on my own and travel home by myself even up till secondary school, had become someone who could be more or less independent.

it takes two hands to clap after all. the reason why i was in such a dire state, was probably because i had been unwilling to push myself out of this pampered life in the first place.

and now, now i only wish to be strong. if i don't wanna be seen as a little girl, a small kid then perhaps i should stop behaving like one.

little kids always wanna be protected. they are always scared of doing things that offend their friends, that cause them to be outcasted. little kids crave for attention. little kids are always insecure. they are always too weak to defend themselves. too ignorant to hide their true emotions, which they wear in their face all the time.

tan zhi ling doesn't wanna be a little girl.

i can't wait to break free from the age barrier. i wanna prove to others that while i am young physically, it doesn't mean that i'm not ready to do great things. i don't want to have people looking out for me all the time, protecting me all the time.

it's just like how i've learnt swimming (only in jc, all thanks to wen hui and li ling). i had been going to the pool since young with my father and brothers, and i had thought i was just a gone case, a weird form of human which wasn't built for swimming unlike others of the same species.

but of course it was simply because i hadn't been pushing myself. i had just been clinging on to the edge time and again. because it only took a month or so, before my dearest water PTIs made sure i could survive very well on my own in the middle of the deep pool.

i remember i was cursing ongkie, for laughing his head off when there was this once i lost hold of the float and nearly drowned in the middle of the pool. he didn't see the need to rescue me immediately. but i guess that was perhaps what i had needed. to be pushed and left to struggle alone, so that i could understand that in this world you had to fight for your own survival.

if i had given up swimming because i just couldn't learn to breathe between strokes, i wouldn't have learnt how to swim.

if i had given up cycling because i scraped off my toenail while trying to struggle up a narrow upward-sloping path, i wouldn't have learnt how to cycle so confidently.

if i had given up my will to live because i thought the whole world was unkind towards me, i wouldn't have been alive now.

but this isn't the time to cling on to past achievements. they mean nothing to my future. nobody is going to praise me for being alive (how hilarious it would be), because to them, it is something normal, something so basic and fundamental it would be surprising how somebody could have possibly failed to achieve it.

nobody will be there to praise me for what i think is great effort on my part. nobody will be there to appreciate the sacrifices. when people see others feeling down, they will only be relieved that they themselves are not stranded in the same plight, that they manage to live their lives better than their unfortunate peers.

and yes tan zhi ling just doesn't wanna be weak. i just don't want to feel the sense of helplessness when i can't do something as good as other people can. age, gender, an ugly past, they cannot be easy excuses for me to fall back on.

i should learn not to fear. i should not fear.

2011-05-30T08:49:00.002+08:00

yay, 陈妖精 feels so good to list down all her goals. haha. posted it on my fb profile, but in case you're too lazy to sign in, here it is:

陈妖精 will aim for an awesome Pumpfest, awesome ATC, awesome FOOT, awesome exchange in Sweden, awesome GPA when i'm back next year, awesome PA experience, awesome FYP, awesome full marathon, awesome career and hopefully an awesome ultra-marathon one fine day! =)

ya you can tell i'm quite hooked onto that name that i heard someone gave me. 陈妖精. might be some random comment but it was strangely etched deeply in my memory. i wasn't really very affected by it, but rather, amused.

but it gave me something to reflect on, as i woke up this morning to have my long long run (which turned out to be not so long because my muscles were a bit sore from the spammage of recces). i didn't even feel sleepy for once, because there were too many thoughts occupying my mind.

陈妖精. just shows what kind of image i've been portraying to everyone all along, doesn't it? haha. although i believe i should be honoured in a way, because 妖精 is supposed to be a creature with deadly attraction and a clever scheming mind.

something which i'm sure the whole world knows tan zhi ling is aiming for all along right? gosh i should have thanked the person for that, now that i realized what an awesome compliment that was.

looking back at my life thus far. or narrowing it down to this workyear. i know a lot of people have told me and i know for myself that i haven't been behaving appropriately, i haven't been fulfilling my responsibilities, i haven't been performing up to expectations.

and it hit on me hard. even as i ran a bit too recklessly along the road just now, hoping that somehow i might just trip and stumble. a big hard physical fall would be good. it would divert my attention away from the pain within.

without passion, one cannot wish to inspire, even if one keeps trying to hoodwink the rest into believing her enthusiasm. i shouldn't have been so naive. thinking that i could translate other people's trust in me into a motivation, an energy which would fuel me to do great things.

and it saddens me to see one bunch of awesome people, highly capable, full of potential in front of me, and yet i cannot push them to realize their own abilities. as usual i retreat back into my enclave, exhausted, embracing a false sense of security at having done something, only to discover that really, there could be so much more that could have been done.

and many a time i cannot blame anyone. there is nothing to blame, nobody to blame really. this is just a difference in perspectives, a difference in priorities. i'm sure everyone has their own list of the 'better things to do in life' and sadly there is just no common ground between your list and theirs.

and (warning: the following content might just force anyone to close the window with exasperation) if there's anyone to blame, blame it on me.

i always believe that by trying and trying, putting in my best, pushing myself to the fullest, i would prove my sincerity to others, i would gain people's respect, i would show to the world that tan zhi ling is omfg so selfless so noble so airy-fairily good.

and of course i realize that this is an ideal world that will never come true in reality. this world is harsh, full of traps, full of perceptual biases that will capture the most angelic of souls in a deadly cell.

i have learnt that goodwill doesn't have to be appreciated, that kindness and affection should be given unconditionally. really, there's no point laying claim to all the brilliant achievements that one has secured, all the help that one has rendered. it is a necessity in life, to give support to the people around you, be it the people you love or hate, because as i've once said, life is difficult enough on its own without us adding on to the difficulties of others.

omg how noble i suddenly sound isn't it? laugh at me now laugh, laugh at this pathetic soul here. laugh at me, if that's the only way i can bring laughter to people.

perhaps this is retribution for all the wrong that i've done. but i hope that you'll be kind, to stop when you see me crumble. because however strong i wanna be, i can't deny that i'm just a normal human just like all of you. even the toughest ring could be destroyed by the Fire of Mount Doom, and trust me, i'm way below that level of toughness. just a desperate wannabe, trying too hard to prove to others.

and now. now is not the time to think. the glimmer of hope lies in the fact that the year has not ended, that there is still time to repair the damage. and i no longer wanna promise because promises are easy to break. i only wanna make sure that i do all i can, all i can force myself to do at this time.

2011-05-28T19:45:00.003+08:00

at my deepest darkest moments, i always tell myself that i need not be so harsh towards myself, because i didn't do anything against my conscience. but no, doesn't work this way.

right now, i'm feeling awfully happy. so happy, i'm at the top of the world. i am so glad to be able to pull off a stunt in front of so many people. nothing could've made me happier than to leave one whole group dumbfounded, and uneasy, because i just couldn't garner enough energy to prevent myself from being affected.

really. does anybody know just how awesome i feel to know that i've made a friend cry because of this? does anybody know just how i'm simply dying to go home, how fantastic it is to give a friend's invitation a miss because i just no longer have the mood to face anybody?

i love it so much, enjoy the moment enough to wanna leave the scene immediately, knowing that had i stayed any longer, i would have just pulled off an even bigger stunt.

yes it goes to show how wonderful this writer is. how absolutely responsible, how amazingly competent and capable to handle every matter.

and nobody could ever understand how superficial i can be when it comes to kids. of course it is ever so simple to bring a smile to a kid's face, but of course, tan zhi ling will never know how much effort it requires to take care of those kids. of course 陈妖精 (an awesome name that was bestowed upon me by an awesome friend) loves to just be there to play with the kids and then scoot off when the hard work begins.

isn't it so typical of tan zhi ling? always looking at the beauty of the surface and never looking further than an inch depth? seriously i can't wait, to play with the kids, just to make them tools for my own happiness. they are toys aren't they, just toys to tan zhi ling, just mere toys that i am so sure don't need much maintenance.

haha and you couldn't imagine how hilarious it is to feel your stomach trying to do a split while traveling home. yeah i bet my stomach must have been inspired by the human bingo, to wanna do a split too. too bad it didn't really succeed in the end, although i did almost believe it did, the amount of agonizing enjoyment it brought to me.

the biggest achievement of all is to show to others what an awesome bimbo tan zhi ling can be. except that bimbos are pretty and i am not. really, being the hardcore snobbish bitch, and showing to others how absolutely devoid of emotional intelligence, is not a simple feat. it takes an ultimate sucker to do it, and woohoo, am i glad to fit the bill.

haha! i am so so so so happy, i could fly. take off from the top of the cliff, have that last bit of exhilaration in the exciting plunge before darkness shrouds me from the entire world forever =) yay yay yay yay yay! =D =D

2011-05-26T23:39:00.002+08:00

i need to find back the passion in life.

i need to have the energy. the passion. the motivation.

i need to block out the negativity that keeps screaming in my face. hollering at me.

what happened to the promise i made to myself right after exams? to be full of positivity, to be filled to the brim with joy?

i've lost myself. or rather, i've found back my old self. haha. so yay woohoo.

2011-05-25T23:42:00.003+08:00

人。往往都被自己的思绪捆绑着。

要如何解开世间的种种束缚。真的好难好难。

可能。可能解脱根本就不存在。

我们就好像笼子里的动物。小的时候，总觉得世界好奇妙。小小的身躯，在这个世界，觉得什么都好庞大。有无限的空间，等着我们去征服。

长大后，才知道，怎么样跑来跑去，都是环绕同样的地方。奔波忙碌，以为自己生活充足，可其实所谓的成就，也只不过是渺小的，微不足道。因为怎么样说，都很难挑战极限，超越极限。

一方面，又不想做个井底之蛙。不想当人们所谓的温室里的小花。以前，周围的人特别喜欢嘲笑我的‘无知’。因为成绩好，所以很容易成为被攻击的对象。

“真不知道你怎么取得那么好的成绩？你连这种小常识都不懂！”（但我也已经习惯了吧。我觉得，不知道就要问。　我不想为了面子，为了尊严，而牺牲知识。我也非常尊重别人所拥有的知识，也了解，学业成绩好，并不是成功的保证。）

另一方面，也真的不想每次都维持坚强的表面。真的，真的好辛苦。因为讨厌依赖，所以什么事都得试着自己承担。不能有任何怨言。也不能显示脆弱。不能让别人知道自己不开心。

就因为。就因为。

其实也没什么好理由。可能在这方面，还是放不下‘面子’吧。

想证明给全世界，自己是勇敢的。可是却一次又一次地失败。到头来，只是让大家知道，陈芷苓是任性的，是倔强的。

真的好讨厌。好讨厌自己那么容易被失望，被悲伤击倒。好讨厌自己不能完美。

2011-05-25T21:38:00.003+08:00

why is time always too short for stoning?

today, i gave myself an entire afternoon free from work (well, nearly, other than asking my subcommers/helpers stuff) to just have a walk around.

i tried the very awesome eskimo hazelnut milk tea and OMG I FOUND SOMETHING THAT TRUMPED KOI!!! hahaha. no wonder peak siah had such a big reaction when she bought that the other time, eskimo hazelnut milk tea was really really damn good.

and i was drinking it at an awesome place where i stoned for an hour or two.

yeah. the heart of our beloved city. it's so amazing, staring at the many towering buildings across the water, the very iconic image that signifies singapore's success. it's amazing too, how i could be sitting there with nothing to occupy me (ok, pretending there's nothing to occupy me) while many of my coursemates are battling it out in the office warzones just kilometres away.

although highly urbanized and nothing like those usual natural scenery that i love to stone at, the sight that greeted me was one filled with such peace, such familiarity that it aches a bit to think that i will leave this homeland soon.

i strolled the length of singapore river. walked past many other famous landmarks. fullerton hotel. parliament building. some famous bridges. padang. basically all those places you will definitely pass by when you sign up for some long distance races in singapore (whatever race will definitely start/end around here because singapore is just too small). and i very badly wanted time to just pause then.

人，总是在失去了，才懂得珍惜。

been so long. and i realize, i had always been rushing past these places, being too preoccupied with other matters, to truly appreciate.

and, i went to marina bay sands, for the first time since it's opened. and as usual, i let those unhealthy thoughts flood my mind as i walked along its extravagant interiors. looking at those disgustingly expensive branded goods in the many shop windows, i couldn't help but envy the rich.

in fact, it was kinda scary. how aloof the whole place felt. how out of place i was there. one shop would have been equal to more than my entire lifetime's assets. i couldn't help staring at the people who brisked past too. all looking like normal passers-by, but the occasional branded bag or apparel gave them away.

couldn't help wondering how i would ever become that rich. how i might one day walk into the shop without bowing my head down, how i would actually OWN one of those displayed items. and of course it was a morale-crushing experience. but i lingered for a while before leaving the place. for the mere sake of exposing myself to the 'outside world'. haha. how silly can i get.

at the end of the day, i didn't really get the enlightenment, the answers i was seeking. but i guess it didn't really matter. what mattered was that i enjoyed the moment then. and now it'll be a part of my hoard of wonderful memories.

2011-05-24T23:25:00.002+08:00

i think i'm a really micro-person. as in, really really micro. while others tend to look at the big picture, the utilitarian perspective of things, what i'm often concerned with are the many little details.

making a mountain out of a molehill. focusing overly on the little speckles of dust that cover an otherwise enchanting window view.

i have perfect eyesight, but do i actually suffer from a myopia in life? is my foresight shrouded by mini worries and over-sensitivity?

yes i obviously do, but i don't really see it in a bad way. it might be inappropriate for someone who has responsibilities greater than that to harbour such minuscule thoughts about life, but i have already learnt to accept the fact that for me, human relations come above all.

to be more precise, respect comes above all.

whatever i do, i hope that it would make everyone else feel comfortable, at ease with themselves and with their surroundings. it irks me big-time to see people feeling bad or out of sorts because of my negligence.

all part of the golden rule to me. if you really don't want people to make your life or your circumstances so very miserable, you should try to make sure that you have not been doing that to others.

but things get out of hand, when i try to attend to too many people's emotions at one go. really, i believe i can be a perfect robot, just give me the tasks and the instructions and i can churn out the finished products as efficiently as possible.

but mixed with the art of interaction, and my operating efficiency (oops, sorry for that touch of accounting) lowers a great deal. as much as i wanna charge ahead like a bull (quote from my blog post some days ago, omg it felt so long ago already), i need to keep in mind that it's not a solitary race that i'm running.

in fact it has come to a point whereby i need to be slower in clearing my agenda, just so as to make sure i'm not too overwhelming a person to work with. that as gan jiong as i am, i need to refrain from rushing, just so as to give everyone else more breathing space.

and of course in a macro manner this is utter nonsense. it's all about efficiency, about effectiveness, about clearing deadlines (or clearing way ahead of those). but no, it might work this way in the robots' world or a one-man island but definitely not so in a community, as has been proven time and again.

********************************

just now i was lying on my bed, not moving, not sleeping, not even thinking, just staring up at the ceiling. without a purpose in life, without burning issues to scorch my ass and start my engine.

and i felt that something was wrong. that as usual in my life the fluctuations were big, that i either got caught up with too much work to breathe or i got so haplessly lost that i couldn't even regain my focus, my goal.

maybe, it's time for another round of long long reflection. maybe i should start to broaden my view of the world, rather than be told about things too late. i wanna break free from my sheltered life, but even up till now the link is never completely broken.

you know it, when a girl like me just doesn't even know the luxury brand 'coach', and got to have guys to tell her that it's actually a very very expensive and famous brand.

time for another soul-searching journey. =)

and on a random note, i'm kind of a little bit obsessed with loafers right now. yeah, retro trend might have receded sometime ago but i still think loafers are just so gorgeous. i must be getting bimbotic zzzz.

2011-05-24T12:12:00.004+08:00

now i understand how the victims at hiroshima and nagasaki must have felt at that time when the atomic bombs erupted in their midst.

i got a BOMB too. awesome big one which shocked me out of my slumber at 4 am in the morning (yeah, i wanted to wake up one and a half hours later but that's not the point), and prevented me from going back to sleep for the next 40 minutes.

this.is.so.much.harder.than.i.thought.

GRRRRRR.

tan zhi ling, count to 10, breathe in breathe out. thank you. HA.

2011-05-23T23:44:00.002+08:00

it's funny how my heart seems to go on pendulum mood swings these days.

one moment i would be laughing my heart out, with all the awesome people around me. fully enjoying the moment, cherishing their presence, wishing that they know just how much joy they bring to tan zhi ling's life, and how much tan zhi ling always wishes to return this happiness to them.

and yet sadness creeps in when i'm alone. unexpected tears gushing to my eyes, at some really random moments in life, especially during those times when i was just seated in the living room with my family around me, watching tv.

and just now. when i was tidying up my room in hall. singing my heart out, despite the fact that my neighbours were walking right past my not-very-soundproof door all the time. suddenly, i got too caught up in the lyrics, and again tears threatened to fall.

gosh. tan zhi ling, you're just incomprehensible.

********************

peak siah told me that i was very fortunate to always have those very likeable friends around me throughout these past few years. haha, and i do agree. in fact i chanced upon a blog entry one day, and came across this term which would so aptly describe this group of awesome girls.

the pink princess.

always pretty (and somehow, pink haha), always nice and sweet (and sometimes a little bit bitchy =P), always making people wanna protect them. =)

and yet they aren't always as fragile and vulnerable as they might seem. beneath that delicate exterior lies a resilient spirit. which makes them shine even more. cheers to all the pretty pink princesses in my life =)

and to everyone else who has made significant appearances in my life too. yeah, tan zhi ling is in a highly appreciative mood right now (all part of the mood swing agenda hahahahaha). i am really really thankful to you, just for being there =)

alright, time to koon! haha =D

2011-05-22T22:30:00.002+08:00

i.gotta.stop.the.negativity.from.flooding.in.

if i'm gonna fight, i cannot be crippled by my own feelings and thoughts. this is barely the beginning girl, i'm sure you are much stronger than that.

be brave. be strong.

2011-05-22T16:42:00.002+08:00

if jogging in the morning or night is a test of one's physical body, jogging in the middle of the afternoon is a real test of one's mental strength.

i did wake up at my ungodly hour, but i just couldn't drag my fatigued self out of the house for that long long jog. and the next thing i knew it was already 10 plus am when i woke up again.

so no choice tan zhi ling had to do what all sensible and disciplined tan zhi lings do. although the moment i stepped out of the void deck i regretted wholeheartedly.

because somehow, the sun was more than relentless. while i could've pushed on so effortlessly had it been cooler (c'mon, never underestimate the energy of 3 big slices of chocolate cake man), i found myself battling with the overwhelming heat and unfriendly glare of the sun instead.

but i survived! as i knew i would. haha, yeah, good to gloat when i'm now in the comforts of my own home with my stupid fat lazy forever-angry dog sleeping right beside me on the chair and the fan blowing.

oh and i saw james when i was in nex! so happy, hadn't seen him for a long long time since i left nyjc. my awesome companion together with jasmine tan when we were slogging through the dreary weeks trying to decipher the different accents of the different molecular bio lecturers from ntu. well the only good thing about those fridays then was the AWESOME APPLE CRUMBLE sold at the RI canteen! seriously raffles kids were my envy. smart, good-looking, and they had such awesome snacks in their canteen which i bet they didn't even bother to buy.

*************************

i suddenly marvelled at the lack of thought-processing in my mind these days. most of the time, i would just be busy outside talking like there's no tomorrow. subconsciously all the MAOs and stoning are disappearing, and i wonder whether it's good or bad.

even just now i didn't do much reflection during my supposedly reflection process while jogging (because i was spending a large part of the time enduring the heat and the brightness). nor did i have the energy to think, during the last few days when i was traveling home, because a large part of me was just looking forward to sleep while the other part of me just prayed that i wouldn't have to miss the last bus or train.

good. in a way because i don't have enough time for disappointments, for failed expectations. in fact i find myself enjoying the process, being perpetually happy (and no i believe most of the time the happiness is not feigned but genuine).

but i do wonder, whether this way of life would have blinded me from many small things that i could've noticed if i were more meticulous and observant. like how, sometimes, people might not appear to be how they portray themselves to be. that, in my directionless attempt to bring and spread joy to everyone else i have somehow caused even more misery.

really, everybody who is sensible (yes i know of exceptions even living under the same roof as me awful freak) would wanna make the very very very best out of what they're doing. and i do too. you don't know how very badly i wish to learn.

learn all the good of all the people around me. be the ultimate copycat and transfer all their positive attributes onto myself. yeah, whoever i know, they have something remarkably awesome about them, and i really wish that they can know that, i really wish that i can be like them in those particular areas.

yes, one step at a time, i'll learn, and i'll grow to be a better person =)

2011-05-22T00:59:00.012+08:00

there's one thing (or rather one type of thing) that always brightens up my day =)

cats =)

the two (out of a WHOLE GANG) of fatties!!!!!!! just at my void deck, i would never fail to stop and stare at them whenever i happen to walk by =)

my favourite FAT & GRUMPY! =))

anyway, can't deny the effects of old age. days of coming home near or past 12 midnight and i really feel a bit exhausted. shall have some good rest tomorrow before things start all over again.

and i'm so happy to be wearing all my nice clothes out! (although the person wearing them doesn't have the looks to complement LOL) at least i'm not letting clothes rot in my wardrobe permanently, gives me an excuse to SHOP FOR MORE AWESOME CLOTHES LIKE TODAY!! hahahaha!

and i've been eating birthday cakes for 3 CONSECUTIVE MEALS ALREADY! totally fattening but i guess cakes are always awesome food especially CHEESECAKE (i wanna eat peanut butter cheesecake one fine day man).

been meeting many many people too! =) my ny girls, my dearest foot comm, my zai 15th comm =) tired but i know it's all SO WORTH IT.

even so, tan zhi ling shall go sleep (before her intensified-through-sleep-deprivation pimple condition worsens, although seriously now i don't really let it affect me since i can't do much about it!). shall wake up and have my long long run! nothing better than that to cleanse the mind =)

2011-05-20T09:14:00.004+08:00

‘荒谬！真是荒谬！’

‘陈大人请息怒。好歹还有“纸上谈兵”，这已胜于“守株待兔”。各人有各异，大人您得宽怀大量啊！’

忍一时风平浪静，退一步海阔天空。　 =)

***************************

toshiba is growing old. haha, one visible sign is that it now lacks the F1 key. yes tan zhi ling was so smart as to somehow dislodge that key while she was trying to clear the dust from her keyboard. =)

and it is getting attacked by so many viruses. ok noobcake tan zhi ling doesn't wanna believe that but then the fact is that it is starting to lag a great deal. it almost made me blew my top yesterday night, when the screen hanged (is this the correct grammar haha?) WHENEVER i tried to access insing.com to check movie timeslots for today. at 1 plus am in the morning when i only reached home after 12 midnight.

ah but whatever the angst, it belonged to yesterday, and no i shall SO NOT let it carry on today.

oh well i guess things are always harder than it seems at first. i should be naive to believe that with pure determination and an endless supply of energy (which appears to be not-so-endless after all) things will be smooth sailing.

but turns out nothing's really changed except my perspective in life. even as i told myself to breathe in, let go of any impatience and complaint that would pop up in my mind when things got a LIL BIT out of hand, it's still the hardest hurdle to cross.

yet no one is really to blame for everything (yes, this time i don't even wanna blame myself, part of the BE POSITIVE programme haha).

because as we all know, if we choose to portray ourselves as a strong and positive individual we can't really expect people to treat us like a delicate flower. if we choose to hide our efforts and our vulnerabilities, we cannot really expect other people to know that sometimes, just sometimes, we still end up being affected when their words and actions are just a little too demanding to bear.

unintentional hurt is not hurt. 不知者无罪。

(OOPS i can't help it! hahaha, when that chinese phrase pops out this is the first image that comes to my mind =D)

after all, if we really mean to strengthen our minds, we SHOULD NOT have been affected. the fact that we are, maybe, it's just that we are still not able to see the big picture yet.

haha of course sometimes ego-stabbing is really devastating. there was once when a girl, whose words i knew was sincerely (and nearly a bit absentmindedly) undeliberate, suddenly asked me, 'is it true that people who are involved in the outdoors will have very bad complexion?'

(ARROW STUCK IN DEEP DEEP)
'eh, not really eh, haha, if you mean me then i think you're mistaken, not every outdoor person is like that.'

you can't believe how hard i tried to keep that smile from sliding off my face (and how i simply wished to tell her that I WAS NOT LIKE THAT FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS WHEN I WAS AS INVOLVED IN OUTDOOR STUFF but somehow i became really skinny and my menses stopped coming and yeah after that health returned but brought with it all the irremovable pimples and mood swings and yeah i became the ugly but healthy clown that i am now, BUT NO I SHOULD JUST SPARE THE DETAILS).

i guess the girl realized that it wasn't exactly a very sensible thing to say so she hurriedly said no, it wasn't specifically me she was referring to but then i could just detect that tone because it's that typical oops-the-damage-is-done-but-i-shall-just-cover-up tone.

and even yesterday i was caught in an awkward moment, when my friends started discussing about anorexia and bulimia. went on and on and on about the negative behaviours, the ABSOLUTELY MINDLESS AND DISGUSTING things they do just to lose weight, how HORRIBLY UNHEALTHY they are.

and i had to feign looks of surprise at some of those descriptions, when deep down, i knew better.

about exactly how it felt to have been through those horrible times, how absolutely silly yet uncontrollable it was it almost broke my mind when i pushed myself to the recovery path.

and they knew too, and i was very glad that they have been awesome supportive friends, but i guess they saw it as a very safe thing to do because i won't be affected by this anymore. but still, it was a bit hard to keep up that nonchalance, especially when i knew midway, they were busily sneaking nervous glances over my way, as if i would just crumble or react abnormally at any moment.

it's easy to criticize, it's easy to wonder, when we are not in the shoes of the victims. i have learnt (and will continue to learn) to take criticisms with a pinch of salt, knowing that, cliched as it sounds, we are all imperfect and we cannot satisfy everyone.

i too stand guilty of rushing to conclusions and giving out dealth penalties a bit too abruptly, whenever i feel that others have pushed things too far. that's why i have to keep constantly reminding myself:
BE SLOW TO CRITICIZE, BE QUICK TO PRAISE AND APPRECIATE

yeah. love, cherish, appreciate (my current msn nick now woohoo!). we shouldn't let all the good be masked by a sudden moment of bad. i mean, it's all about that basic principle for growth - all about sustainability.

2011-05-19T10:47:00.008+08:00

yesterday, when the monotonous voice recording announced the end of the paper, i almost heaved an audible sigh of exasperation. that's it, that's the end of it all. i was almost reluctant to let prof dixon pull the green answer booklet from my hands. i didn't want exams to end just like that.

haha. so funny. because you know what? i'm so MOTIVATED RIGHT NOW! woohoo! hahaha!

ok, might be a bit of a self-psychoing going on here, but once i will myself to anticipate rather than dread what's up ahead, once i actually get things moving, things just don't seem as bad as i feel anymore. (and YES TYPING IN CAPS AND ENDING WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS HELP A GREAT DEAL!!!!! =D)

gosh i feel like a bull (hahaha really ugly description but who cares?), i just wanna charge full-force ahead. and TIRED, i won't ever know this word anymore, cos it's NOT IN MY DICTIONARY HAHA!

so many awesome awesome things to look forward to really. i can't wait to meet everyone again, talk to all my awesome friends, wear awesome nice clothes (after shifting 75% of my clothes home my cupboard is BURSTING), eat awesome nice food and enjoy the whole awesome process.

of being a student, a carefree one. funny how i was heaping all my worries upon minor things in life. just like how last time when we were young it seemed like the end of the world when you learned that your closest friend in the group would not be going with you for some random school excursion. haha, i kept thinking, when i am old and battling it out in my working place i'll be so freaking ENVIOUS of my life back then.

and i'm glad really, that i'm making the fullest out of things. going for GATHERINGS and meeting all my AWESOMES here! =D

my crazy 15th!!! hahaha, i LOVED this photo especially perrine's long long story! hahaha! can't wait to see them on saturday! =D

my awesome nbs cum INSTEP MATES! hahaha, doesn't matter that mel's sudden outburst yesterday scared the hell out of sharon and i for a while. LOL. we're going JONKOPING INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS SCHOOL (with lewis and xinghui!! )

my cute 11th FOOT COMM! hahaha! we blended in with the background man! and the shirts, haha, tightfit for many! wa, really hope we could get our comm tees asap!!

zai-est 10th FOOT COMM! too bad kok siong, wei liang douglas not in!

and ny girls! aww, miss the ny days man. haha

alright alright, shall suppress my hype! gosh i think i can post twice every day if i have the time. haha!

2011-05-18T08:31:00.002+08:00

just saw eugene's nick: worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but leads you nowhere.

hmm. yeah, i guess i'm just immobilized by fear on this rocking chair now. chained to it by that last paper less than 5 hours later. after that, i would break free, and convert all the potential energy within me into kinetic and heat energy (which of course comes from a lot of friction as well). ah, well, i miss physics. lol.

part of the worry, no doubt, comes from the fact that i can only think about the things to do but not do anything about it. i guess when things start to gear up, i'll be so overwhelmed i won't even have time to sit down and worry. and by then, i wish i would have trained myself to be a little more calm, a little less panicky. yeah, just a little less, it'll help me go a long long way.

the most important thing to tell myself, before hell unravels, is to stay strong, and always constantly remind myself that hey, i'm not a perfect person. and every imperfect person has flaws. and i cannot please everyone, and that being hated is not exactly a bad thing after all. if one of my task in this world is to waste a little portion of another person's life hating me, well, at least it shows that i'm present in this world for a reason.

haha. come and hate me everyone. detest this irritating person called tan zhi ling, and shorten your lifespan from the increased blood pressure everytime you see me still going strong in life. muahahaha.

which reminds me of something really random. from young, we all know which palm line is supposed to represent our lifespan. and people always remark at how my life line seems to be godforsakenly long. but i was always perturbed by this portion at the centre where the line becomes faint. it always drives my mind crazy wondering just what that might signify, and i've come to the conclusion that maybe, during that point in my life, i would fall into a very deep coma, or go into very severe memory loss, or just suddenly vanish from this world for a long while. before re-emerging again, to live the remaining days of my life. kinda scary eh. i hope i get to live a fulfilling life before that mysterious period starts.

2011-05-16T12:08:00.004+08:00

i feel so frigging unmotivated.

as usual, time is too short for me to nua. now i can only optimize my nua-mode until my last paper. after 3 pm on wednesday, hmm, ok, maybe at least until wednesday night, i can still take things at my own stride.

but after that.

hai. full speed ahead.

how funny, when by right it should be the reverse for everyone else. vomit your guts out now for that few hours in the exam hall and then liberation, but for me, liberation ends right there when i step out of nanyang audi.

and yet once again, i'm guilty of being ever so disorganized. it seems that i should walk around like those chinese zombies, with my entire work schedule pasted right in front of my face like a big talisman. so i don't go around making empty promises. saying that 'yes yes, we should very well meet up after exams to do this do that, go here go there, settle this settle that.'

tan zhi ling, give yourself as much freedom to relax now. make full use of time, without compromising rest (which yes, i'm giving myself a bit too much of these days).

because you, yes you, TAN ZHI LING matric no. U0910411J Accountancy and Business Year 2 going Year 3 (and going to awesome exchange in Jonkoping International Business School), 11th FOOT Comm SPO, 15th Main commer:

you are so going to get into maximum efficiency mode the moment exams end. you are so going to make sure every loose end is tied up and you are so going to reach out to every possible person, regardless of race language religion or whatever nonsense, who will contribute to getting things done nice and fast and good.

and most importantly, you are so going to shield yourself from disappointments, from failed expectations, from all the negativity that will potentially burst that ego balloon in your heart, at least until the clock strikes 12 midnight signaling the end of 24th july 2011. (oh wait, i just remember, there are still issues like post-event follow-up, but let's not bring down the morale any further.)

and after that? you can very well find a nice dark corner in this big big world, to cry your heart out while nursing the battle wounds (which i am so sure will come by the dozen), or simply just let any forms of exhaustion (physical or mental) knock you out of consciousness for at least the next 72 hours that earth continues to rotate in this universe.

haha. what an optimistic way to motivate myself.

on a sidenote, i really hope sweden is safe enough for me to have my regular long jogs or swims alone. i seriously cannot imagine over 4 months of NOT exercising. just imagine how cholesterol and saturated fats are gonna clog up my arteries, how that tens of millions of triglycerides/sterols/whatever-nonsensical-name-that-can-be-linked-to-fat are gonna build up into a 20-cm-thick blubber layer. sure i will need insulation from the biting cold, but no way am i gonna allow myself to become a pig in hibernation mode.

argh. ok, get on with life. there are still 2 hours of marketing distribution channels to deal with.

2011-05-14T09:52:00.002+08:00

oh great. the blogger team must have been attacked by the friday the 13th monster. blogger was down (and yes i gotta note that my blog was STILL DOWN when most other blogspots were revived).

thank goodness it's ok now. but i wonder, whether i shouldn't just upgrade to livejournal or wordpress instead. i mean, all along i was fine with blogspot, as long as it let me type in my feelings and thoughts i'll be happy enough. but this incident happened and i was so frustrated to be denied entry to my own pensieve (you'll know what this word means if you've been a harry potter fan).

anyway, i just found out that hey, i could change the time zone, so now yes, the date is as accurate as it is in singapore. because previously i was using pacific time, no wonder it'll still show one date earlier if i update in the morning. haha. so proud of myself.

i had a longer-than-usual jog just now too. because yesterday a crazy thought entered my mind when i was taking 159 back home from sengkang interchange. because i was thinking of the bus route, and how i could trace the entire route of this bus from the start till the end.

and i thought to myself, it isn't that far actually. wonder how it would feel like to run all the way from the starting point along the route to the end.

i almost did that. almost seems a very misleading word haha, because my starting point wasn't sengkang but rather where i usually drop off near my house (like duh, who will wanna travel all the way to sengkang just to go back the same way. hmmmm. ok, maybe when there's more time and less things to do =D)

i jogged along the route, and i did another ridiculous thing. of counting the number of 159 buses that i saw on the way, both along my direction and against. and my last count was still vivid in my mind: 12 against, 5 along. haha.

but i didn't really follow the route all the way to the end. there was just that few hundred metres left to toa payoh interchange itself, and then shit happened. as in literally. hai, this has always been the tricky issue with long-ds. it's either you clear your stomach before you run (without expending all your energy and ending up with weak limbs that cannot carry you far) or you have a serious case of stomachache halfway.

and it was so near to completion. hai. tan zhi ling ah tan zhi ling. if only, if only you could complete. if only every aspect of life is so easy as that. just push yourself forward, doggily, and you will accomplish your goal. sadly, effort, as we all knows, doesn't pay off all the time. intellect does.

*************************

and i couldn't help thinking and thinking. of those words i saw, those words i heard. i couldn't help noticing how eerily similar the description, the dread, the helplessness and despair. i thought i was well-trained not be affected, but after a while, the words did leave an impact on me. it threatened of a dark history that would come back and haunt me anytime. that feeling, of sinking and sinking and yet having no one around to yank you out of the bottomless abyss. that feeling, of crying so much that you would feel like a zombie at the end. and just when you thought you had no more tears, you cried some more.

what can i say? what can i do? i climbed out of this, because suddenly one day it struck me that i just wanted to regain a normal life. and that no one should deprive me of the right to do that, to be an average but normal, healthy girl, just like who i used to be before the dark fog came and engulfed me.

how do i tell you that? my words will mean nothing to you if you choose to block out everything with grief. if only you can see this, but i know better than to spread my negativity to someone who has enough of that to deal with.