Monday, December 21, 2009
i wonder whether is it the rain, or is it just me. i'm feeling very...empty at the moment, sapped of energy, my mood as downcast as the weather.
well, if you would remember the promise that i'd made a while back, i can tell you that i have failed utterly again.
i think people who come here often would be tired of reading this.
'there she goes again. she's gonna say she doesn't know how to communicate with her family, she doesn't know how to appreciate, but it'll all be empty talk, because at the end of the day, she never makes anything out of it.'
that's true, so true. sometimes i amaze myself by how contrasting my behaviours can be at home and outside. it's really the exact opposite. outside, i can smile even if things don't go my way. at home, i frown even if everything goes my way.
pride pride pride pride pride. this fucking pride has gotten the worst of me. it is pride indeed that has successfully prevented me from executing the change i want to see. i'm too proud to accept my family and relatives for who they are. i swallow all the love they heap onto me, without offering any of my own in return. only when i'm yanked away from the comforts of home do i lament their absence. even so the lamentation is short-lived.
i am forever envious of how other people always seem to have such wonderful times with their loved ones, be it friends or family. gatherings, celebrations, surprises. lots of gifts, photos, hugs and kisses.
and i would think it's unfair. it's unfair that i don't have as much. i want to convince myself that i don't mind, but i guess i can't. i do mind that i don't have the love that other people have. i do mind when i put in a lot, only to realize that everything will come to naught at the end of the day. i do mind when people forget about me.
these, i suppose, are the selfish thoughts that intoxicate the human mind time and again, and yes, i admit that these thoughts do cross my mind, as much as i'm sure they have crossed yours.
but what i do not think about at these instances is how the world has been overly kind towards me. for how i treat my family, i don't deserve anything.
sometimes i think i would actually feel better if my father would just shout at me when i give him the cold shoulder. maybe i would finally change if he just gives me one big slap in the face. maybe, just maybe, i would be happier if my family just ignores my presence, rather than look out for me in every way and worry about my safety and well-being.
i feel so much like a two-faced freak. if people were to know about my attitude at home, i wonder just how many friends will remain by my side.
and so i guess i deserve whatever bad that befalls me. someone who doesn't appreciates, doesn't get any good.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
adventure jamboree 2009 had come to an end!!! 10th foot comm had cleared our mid-year exams!! haha.
and like exams, there were glitches. unexpected things cropped up just as unexpected questions will pop out in a paper. but no matter what happened, it was really fulfilling to see the happy faces of all the ad jammers. it made all the laughter, the tears, the burning of midnight oil, the discussions, the angst and frustration, the lethargy etc etc worthwhile. i simply loved to browse through all the photo albums taken during ad jam on facebook, as well as the crazy videos.
through this short period, my love for ntu odac has strengthened so very much. sounds quite corny lol. but really, just one small event alone, and you'll see all the commitees coming together to help each other and support each other in whatever way possible. and there're still our super ups seniors, who came back specially to assist us.
seriously seriously ups! haha.
now that our mid year exams are over, there'll be a little partying, and then i guess it'll be another full-steam ahead for the final exam - foot 2010! =)
Thursday, December 10, 2009
yes, i may be little, but i must make myself feel big.
it's been quite some time since i last blogged. i was pretty amazed last week when i was taking the bus back home from hall in the morning, and i heard someone on the tvmobile mentioning about the beginning of the year 2010.
that's when i realized that 2009 is coming to an end.
and boy, was it an eventful year. indeed, i couldn't have found any other year packed with as many fluctuations, both emotionally and physically, than this year.
the beginning of the year when i got my first ever taste of working life.
the first half of the year when ED consumed me through and through, leaving only a malnourished form deprived of nutrients, thoughts, feelings.
the second half of the year when i entered the new phase of university, when there was a huge influx of people into my life within a few months. in nus race 7, in foot camp aether, in stellar haedus, in hall 4 naga, in aa101 tut group 3, in 10th foot comm, in ntu odac, in tara etc etc.
all these while my ego was deflated countless times. in terms of academic, leadership, personality, everything, i found that there were many other impressive people out there. there were triumphs, there were losses. there were disappointments, there were surprises. there was hope and there was despair.
it was perhaps the combination of all these that drained me. i used to claim that i was a narcissist; now i realized that i've transformed into a harsh self-critic. once full of love for myself, now i would only chide myself for failing, time and again, to live up to my expectations, to fail to achieve the goals i've set.
again, i find myself forgetting how to cherish, to be grateful, to be contented. i've forgotten how to tell myself to derive joy from the simplest matters. to learn that sometimes, winning may not be all, but the most important thing is that i've tried my very best.
i know i may have said this (and failed) countless times, but i would want to try again, to learn to accept myself for who i am, to learn to appreciate, to love the people around me, to give my best for whatever i do without insisting that i must win or achieve something big at the end of the day.
i am fully aware of my shortcomings, and sometimes i put myself through a hard time when i realize that i can't get rid of them easily. i have become unhappy knowing that i am not perfect, even as i am fully aware that perfection never exists.
so right now i shall change. i shall adopt a more positive attitude in life. i shall put in my best as much as i can without tormenting myself into a miserable soul. learn from my mistakes. build up on my strengths. and more importantly, learn from the strengths and mistakes of the most wonderful group of people around me. be it my family, my friends.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
haha, thanks eugene for the pokemon card!
pris: cute right? you are the slug, ps is the worm, and you two share the shell!
hai. but thanks for the most obnoxious birthday prezzie!
don't have the photos yet, but thanks foot comm most of all for the small surprise! haha, was rather funny actually. darrell and wei liang arrived with the safety lorry, and it rained before that, so the front window was covered with rain.
i remembered commenting that they looked like ghost. didn't even realize anything abnormal when darrell's face lit up. only thought that she looked even more like a ghost in this manner. didn't realize that the rest were standing up and trying to block my view already.
and then suddenly they popped out a big birthday cake, and started to sing birthday song. haha. and they celebrated kang hong's birthday at the same time! if peak siah saw the photos that were taken, i'm gonna be dead meat =)
ha, but regarding birthdays, i realized i don't really like to celebrate it after all. i remembered every year i always looked on in envy at other people who had really wonderful celebrations and surprises with their friends and families, and always got pretty disappointed by the turnout of my own birthday which was always haphazardly celebrated due to some circumstances or another.
and i used to be really sad that my family doesn't celebrate or remember birthdays.
but i realized i was very angry when my father actually bought a birthday cake for me on the morning of 4 dec. somehow, i don't see the reason why there's a sudden need to honour my birthday when they have always failed to do so in the past.
in any case my family didn't manage to celebrate with me because i was out for the whole of friday, collecting stand chart race packs (which btw is pretty sucky) and then going for night cycling recce.
i was an ass to be angry actually, but i just can't help it. for many years previously they had never bothered to remember my birthday, and it was only after i pestered them that they actually noted it. and my dad only managed to find out this year, because gnc sent me birthday greetings because i happened to sign up as a member earlier this year (sidetrack: anyone who wants to buy gnc products this month please come to me, i got discount!).
actually people would think it very outrageous, but actually my whole family doesn't celebrate birthdays (except my ah gong's), so it's actually legitimate for my birthday to pass by forgotten. just maybe my childhood anguish sort of makes it seem like they did me an injustice. and it is also this childhood anguish which makes me so fed up.
see how kns i am? haha. yay, tan zhi ling is damn kns.
anyway.
gotta go full speed ahead for adventure jamboree 2009!!! i'm so gonna make sure that i put in my best, make it a very huat ad jam by a very huat foot comm!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
somehow the words always get stuck in my mouth.
i can be so certain of the things to say, i've even mentally rehearsed in my mind how i should go about saying my concerns, but everytime they appear in front of me, my mouth would just seal up and nothing comes out. nothing at all.
and then when they are gone, i would be filled with remorse.
was it really pride like what Passerby had told me before?
or was it just not the right ambience to say things out? oh, what a bullshit excuse.
previously i wouldn't have cared so much, because there's nothing much for them to worry about. but now. now i feel so apprehensive about my future. i have convinced myself not to care that much and to let go of all the burden that i had previously chosen to shoulder upon myself. but there's just this one burden left, a very big one in fact. and i know that the only way to be truly relieved of it would be to open my big fat mouth.
tan zhi ling. come on. don't be an ass. let go of your pride and speak up.
Monday, November 23, 2009
yesterday third time T.T
hai.
i don't cherish the people around me enough. be it friends, family etc. i don't make that much of an effort to maintain close relations with them. rather i'll let the effect of time wash away everything that isn't revolving around me all the time. the time elimination effect, some might say.
i wonder whether that may be as bad as it seems.
sometimes, when we forcibly try to keep in contact with one another, in an attempt to honour one another's presence or keep up the camaraderie we have established when we first get to know one another, it often turns out that things will start to sour. there's bound to be friction when we know one another better and start to discover some of their flaws and weaknesses, which may at that point in time turn us off and make our beliefs on one another waver.
and the concept of 'absence makes the heart fonder' never stands more firmly. it's a wonderful characteristic of humans, to only reminisce the good of the old times. haven't you experienced moments when you just feel like going back to your primary school life, because you think that there's nothing serious to care about, nothing that makes you think of how ugly the world is? but back then, we could've been flustered with many things that may seem so trivial now. like not being able to hand in the homework that a particularly fierce teacher may want by tomorrow. like not being able to watch hi 5. by spotting a really ugly haircut.
i personally would have loved to go back to my jc lifestyle, because my memory of it is one of happiness and laughter, of fun classmates and odacians, of memorable first experiences, of nasty but wonderful tutors. it's easy to forget how affected i used to be over other's judgments on me, and other's expectations of me, not to forget my own self-expectations and self-criticisms.
now who wouldn't wanna go back to the freshman orientation period? back to nus race 7, to ntu odac foot, to stellar camp, to hall 4 foc, to berkelah, to nys ltc? but back then, weren't there instances when you felt your blood boiling, your eyes closing from lethargy, your heart wishing for home?
ha. just some sudden burst of thoughts. back to study =)
Saturday, November 21, 2009
i don't know what's wrong with me, but i can literally feel my body deteriorating by the second.
it's not the first time this week that i failed to complete my run. and it's always the same reason, nausea and the sudden lack of energy to carry me on.
i was already running on normal track today! and still, it didn't stop me from stopping =(
ok, i guess i know the reason why. it's again my impatience. i just wanna go run asap after i had my meal. turned out the food in my stomach wasn't fully digested yet. apparently for proper digestion, blood needs to be channelled to the stomach to provide the energy and the nutrients for digestion. when i run, blood to the stomach is diverted to other parts of the body which need it more, such as the muscles involved in running. this results in the food being only partially digested, and the jerking motion of the body when running sort of just upset the mixture in the stomach more.
so the food will try to force its way out, either up or down.
and the stubborn me just refused to stop the moment i felt nauseaous. instead i tried to push on as much as i could.
so what?
now, even when it's been some time after my run, i still felt nauseous. doesn't help that i have low blood pressure to start with. been experiencing hypotension symptons throughout the day. just my luck that i didn't totally black out during my run.
argh. i hate this feeling.
Zhiling
Hellos! i am zhiling :)
Nanyang JC // sagittarius // eighteen //
odac♥ // LOVES: my family, my friends, my pillow, my life! WANTS: MONEY!!!
QUOTE: hahahahaha! 
